Dublin Enmity
By Monsignor Bonehead
From Issue 45, Winter 2000
There are those of us who will suffer palpitations
at the merest mention of the words "Norwegian",
"Footballer" and "Liverpool"
in the same sentence. Kvarme, Leonhardsen and
Bjornebye are likely to have outdone any good
that Heggem may yet do for us, and the combination
simply does not work. Then I got to thinking about
the last four Irish internationals that have played
for us: McAteer, Babb, Kennedy and Staunton. I've
got some cheek to be slagging off the Norsemen!
We don't get tarred with the same brush for some
reason. Maybe it's because the likes of Jason
only qualify through the Granny Rule anyway, so
most Reds probably don't think them of as Irish.
I thought I'd better get this slightly scary Hall
of Shame out in the open before someone else noticed
it and was tipped over the edge by news of yet
another Irish international coming to Anfield.
Or perhaps I think we'll get a lighter sentence
if we confess now!
It hasn't always been so bad. I never saw Steve
Heighway play, so there's not a lot I can say
apart from the fact that, judging by the videos
I've seen, he was a fast left winger able to dribble,
pass to a red shirt and make the odd half-decent
cross. Pity he isn't still playing now. Berger
has got nicer hair, mind you (poor attempt at
sarcasm alert). Steve must also get some of the
credit for some of the young talent that's come
through the ranks in recent years, while it was
left to others to shell out millions for donkeys
not fit to lace their drinks.
Mark Lawrenson can be a bit of a pain in the
arse nowadays. His attempts to be controversial
on Football Focus by slagging off whatever town
is featured that week are even lamer than Lineker's
forays into 'humour' - as for his 'repartee' with
Ray Stubbs, it simply disproves the Victor Lewis
Smith theory that Hale and Pace were the world's
only double act with two straight men. It also
wrecks my head to hear him talk about "we"
when referring to England on Football Focus in
the morning and use the same "we" in
the evening on Irish telly referring to the Republic's
team.
But what a player. It's almost impossible to
believe we had two centre backs as good as Hansen
and Lawrenson in the same team for five or six
years because God knows we haven't one that even
came close since then. Incredibly, neither was
actually capped regularly - Lawrenson often ended
up in the midfield on Irish international duty.
He always caught the eye with those brilliant
last-ditch slide tackles, but he was decent in
the air too and was a fine passer of the ball.
Will we ever see his like again? And for God's
sake, do something about those teeth. Shergar
may have gone missing in Ireland, but at least
we know where part of him ended up.
The real unsung hero for the Eighties Reds was
Ronnie Whelan. He started off as a goal-scoring
midfielder who developed a nice habit of saving
our bacon on the odd occasion when we were up
a certain creek without a paddle. When Johnny
Barnes and co. were taking teams apart in the
late 80's, someone had to stay at home to keep
the barn door shut and that task fell to Ronnie.
Never really appreciated at the time, it's incredible
to think now that we used to moan quite a bit
about Ronnie - probably because there wasn't anything
else to moan about really. He was so comfortable
with either foot that even to this day I genuinely
don't know whether he was naturally left-footed
or right. He never gave the ball away cheaply,
and his partnership with McMahon was as much a
joy to behold as JB's or Beardsley's magic. If
he had faced Wimbledon in '88, Vinnie Jones would
have gone home in an ambulance - the only Hollywood
role he'd get after that would be as "big
plank of wood propped up in the corner".
No change there then. And, on matters Irish, I
will always treasure the 25-yard overhead volley
against Russia in Euro 88.
Michael Robinson. Fat, slow, 3 winners medals
in one season. That's two more than Robbie Fowler
in his whole career thus far. Liverpool could
truly do no wrong at this stage if we could pay
good money for this blubber merchant and still
reign supreme abroad. I mean, whoever heard of
a team winning the European Cup with a striker
that couldn't hit a cow's ar-……..ah
yeah, just realised how short my memory is! For
younger readers, think Erik Meijer only slightly
shorter but with Le Tissier's gut. He ended up
doing commentary for Spanish football in Spain
(they seem to like it there). I hope he's better
at that, he could hardly be worse.
Maybe I'm being a touch unfair to Robbo, but
our other two strikers at the time were Dalglish
and Rush. Not exactly what Houllier would nowadays
call "a nice little problem to solve"
in terms of team selection. He was certainly a
lot more suited to the Irish game, as you would
expect from a country that still plays Tony Cascarino
at 37, and will probably play Quinn until he's
50! At least Robbo's chest gave our centre backs
something to aim at ………….I
mean some things to aim at really, don't I?
If you thought all that was harsh, then brace
yourselves. Jim Beglin is possibly my least favourite
ex-Red this side of Emlyn Hughes, and currently
just behind Solskjaer in the "used to be
one of us, y'know" list of horrible treacherous
Manc Weasels (patron: Z Ball). Week after week
I have to listen to him in raptures as the Mancs
take apart the latest Champion League no-hopers
from Lithuania or Liechtenstein or wherever. He
never misses a chance to have a dig during Liverpool
games, and I think it's fair to say he has forgotten
his roots.
But, and given our current status it's an ironic
'but', he was actually a half-decent left back.
He'd be worth his weight in gold today. He eventually
took over from Barney early in the double season
and deservedly kept it. Had the classic though
one-sided skirmish with Brucie during the cup
final. Knowing what I know now, perhaps Brucie
should have hit him a lot harder? As it was, Gary
Stevens did the job with an absolute shocker of
a tackle, otherwise Beglin would have been our
left back for years to come (well, would Gary
Ablett have kept him out?).
As well as being Ireland's most/only successful
manager, Jack Charlton was also the luckiest by
far. The first couple of breaks in almost a decade
of good fortune were getting Ray Houghton and
John Aldridge to declare their 'Irish-ness' shortly
before their careers took them to the very top.
Both were as Irish as Gandhi of course, with Houghton
actually beginning his autobiography with the
words "I should never have played for Ireland".
Or something along those lines - wow, thanks Ray!
Seriously, this wasn't an expression of regret,
as anyone who witnessed his reaction to the winner
against England in '88 will testify. Aldo took
forever to get his international career going
(no goals in his first 12 starts). He managed
to score a few eventually, but what he did do
was run his legs off for Charlton ("down
to the stumps", in one famous phrase).
I still don't know why the hell this club sold
him. He loved Liverpool FC, and I'm not convinced
Rushie Mk 2 was better in any case. Certainly
Aldo wouldn't (and still doesn't) talk to the
'Sun'. Unlike some. John went on scoring loads
of goals for another 4 or 5 years after he left.
Houghton was pure class, scored plenty of goals
for club and country (including their two most
famous goals - v England in 88, v Italy in 94).
He was also sold well before he was past it, which
is strange considering that Souness was normally
such a good judge of a player. Have I mentioned
that Ray scored the winner in the England v Ireland
match in '88? I did? Sorry, but I could have sworn
I hadn't mentioned that Ray sc- (oh all right
- ed).
It's often been said in these very pages and
elsewhere that all we really expect from our players
is 100% commitment. Two words: Jason fucking McAteer.
I remember his first international as a Blackburn
player. Me and my mate breathed a huge sigh of
relief as, finally, we could slag him off without
fear of guilt. It all proved too much for a girl
in front of us who turned around and defended
the dandruff-free one; "he's gorgeous, though".
Well, that's okay then. It's the only thing I've
heard in his defence since the delightful Mr Kidd
took him off our hands. Here's someone else whose
Irish connections are vague to say the least,
but he always showed as much determination and
spirit in green as he did in red.
The thing is, and this is slightly troublesome
if you are a professional footballer, he's no
bloody good at football. I'm sure Roy bought him
for midfield but suddenly realised that someone
who couldn't pass water, never mind a ball, might
be a liability in a system that relied on us having
the ball a lot more than the opposition. He was
slightly better as a wing back, being one of the
few who could get up and down the whole pitch
regularly, but after a few exciting months his
game went to pot. He has since blamed the system
at Liverpool for taking away his edge as a player
who would try other things, but in truth I feel
that he passes the buck far better than he passes
the ball. Hard work got him as far it could and
then he was found out. It's a pity, as he clearly
loved the club - but then so do you and I, and
we won't get a chance will we? He did nutmeg Roberto
Baggio in a World Cup game, though. Something
he can tell his grandchildren - whoever they may
qualify for.
Roy must have had a damned good luck at the Irish
national side over the years because Phil Babb
ended up here as well. He cost us £4m in
the days when that was a lot of money. When he
leaves, he will still have cost us £4m.
Thanks, Roy. For anyone who doesn't know, Paul
McGrath is regarded as the nearest thing to a
football deity over here and it's well deserved.
For one thing, he single-handedly made a defence
containing Phil Babb and Terry Phelan look secure
(presumably with a complex system involving levers
and two-way mirrors). Honestly, Babb looked like
a footballer in USA '94. It was a cruel hoax,
because he's looked nothing like one since. I
have rarely seen an international player look
so uncomfortable with the ball at his feet, and
yes I include David James and Mark Bosnich in
that assessment.
He most resembles a man who had a traumatic childhood
incident involving a spherical bit of inflated
leather, from which he has never been able to
fully recover. His collision with the post during
last season's Chelsea game is about the most memorable
thing he's ever done in a red jersey. It makes
my eyes water just thinking about it. He was always
slightly more comfortable in a back four, with
more emphasis on getting in the way and less on
passing the ball. Putting him in a back five where
he didn't seem to actually know what he should
be doing was yet another of Uncle Roy's tactical
masterstrokes. Total Football! It says a lot about
Liverpool in the 90's when this man has played
170 games for us.
More genius from the Evans book of tricks. "I
know, I'll spend £2m on the brightest young
star in British football. When I see him hit the
bar with his very first touch, I'll ignore him
for two years". Now maybe Mark Kennedy will
not be troubling MENSA for an application form
judging by the interviews I've seen over here,
but I'm delighted to see him do well (yes, even
for Manchester City) after he was messed about
at Anfield. Where was he going to play in a team
that didn't use wingers? He'll probably never
be good enough to play at the very highest level,
but it always seemed like the most pointless signing
in a decade chock full of them. Good luck to the
man.
In conclusion, I would like to make a list of
some 90's left backs: Ablett, Burrows, Dicks,
Bjornebye, Matteo. Is Steve Staunton really that
awful? No Paolo Maldini, I agree, but I don't
mind Staunton. I know I'm in a minority on this
one, but bear with me. What did he ever do to
us? He lacks pace, he's not so hot in the air,
his positional sense is questionable and his right
foot might as well not be there but apart from
that, what has Steve Staunton ever done to us?
I'll admit that some sort of lateral thinking
has gone on here. For years I've listened to the
Mancs moaning about how bad he is down one flank
for the Republic while conveniently ignoring Irwin's
lifelong ambition to knock out every fan in Lansdowne
Road with a 'cross' before he retires. In the
same circumstances, you'd defend your own. He
has played absolutely everywhere for us, even
scoring a hat trick against Wigan in the Whateveritwascalledthen
Cup. Some say he's found his true vocation after
that marvellous save in the final seconds of the
last derby, but I think most of us knew that Kenny
had lost the plot when he played Steve in central
midfield - presumably because all the other full
backs he'd played there were injured. When Ronnie
Moran played him at centre half, the idiocy was
complete. Evans & Houllier made the same mistake.
Stick him on the left side and he won't get skinned
by too many wingers. He'll even stick the odd
cross into the box, and might even get within
five yards of Beckham the next time we face the
bastard (unlike some, eh Dominic?). Before I get
me coat, if you knew as many Utd fans as I do
who are absolutely sickened by the idea of him
being the first man to win 100 Republic caps,
you'd have a wee bit of time for him too.
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