December 2003
By Steve Kelly
1st December: Once a Manc, always a one-eyed bulbous nosed bitter and twisted pig. Steve Bruce rips Sinner to shreds, blames the defeat on the Kop and generally drowns in his own bile. Learning at the feet of the master, it’s called. Casually ignoring how his own players kicked Florent to buggery and back, it points to one conclusion: Steve Bruce is a complete coward. A few weeks back, he conceded a penalty and had his goalie red-carded at Old Trafford. Not a word about the influence of big home crowds then, I notice. The Mirror’s David Maddock is still stirring it up: of Pongolle’s five recent incidents "only two were genuine penalties" – so what were the other two ‘dives’? United?? Boro??? Get to fuck. Even Capeling had a go, the sad old duffer. I’ll say it again: Florent needs to watch his step, but we can do without all the ‘outrage’. Why is it only Liverpool who get the full-on indignation whenever the subject of diving crops up?
1st December: Nasty business with that fan at Wolves. If no more stupid fireworks are ever set off in football grounds again, some good will come of it. Shame it never set fire to the fluffy mascot, we could have got rid of two obscenities in one fell swoop.
2nd December: You can go too far sometimes. Gerard rightly defends FSP from the abuse he’s getting, but I wouldn’t get on your high horse to the LMA about "other managers wanting to comment on my players" if I were you. Not unless you want to keep schtum about the likes of Lucas Neill or Franny Jeffers. He also pays tribute to Jerzy’s "fantastic professionalism". "We have many games to come, so he will get his chance".
3rd December: Do you think? Based on L 2 BOLTON 3, all Dudek will be getting in the short term is an arsehole full of toe-cap. Shoddy display, hardly surprising with half a team missing. "We take the competition seriously, always" – we ended with a back four of Otsemobor, Biscan, Diao and Riise. And was anyone else smirking to themselves when Salif gave that pen away? Having rested certain players, it doesn’t make sense to have them play for over an hour. Not that I’m arsed, this team can’t play two games a week anyway and the Carling Cup isn’t going to do it for him I’m afraid. Best result all round, really.
4th December: Bloody hell, he’s gone ballistic! "I am very, very angry". Erm, why? You dropped four players, you took Traore off and put Diao in the back four. Now I know he can’t openly wash his hands of the competition, but he doesn’t have to go over the top. As for Jerzy being professional, Dudek’s inept display (that ‘ooo my leg’ mime when he gave away the corner was top class comedy!) made Gerard look foolish. Maybe that explains the temper?
5th December: Health and fitness on the agenda. Fergie’s got a heart problem sorted out, he’s fine. Apparently, it was too deep a shade of black. And Kewell’s meaningless substitute appearance on Wednesday has earned him three weeks in the treatment room. We can’t even rest players properly.
6th December: Brian Reade goes for the throat (again) in his Mirror column. "Arsenal can put out a complete reserve side and get a result" (actually, they thrashed Wolves……sorry, I’m interrupting) "because they have a decent squad. Liverpool can’t because they haven’t. Rest a few key players, and they struggle. But who bought, selected and organised the men that Houllier now so illogically castigates?". Good question. Maybe it was the very same person who came out with that quote on 25th October (you didn’t memorise it, did you? Go on, flick back, we’ll wait for you) and produced the absolute disgrace that was NEWCASTLE 1 L 1. Forget all that crap about injuries, and look at the eleven players on show: two full backs who like to get forward, Murphy Gerrard and Diouf in midfield, Sinner and Heskey up front (though not today – I’ve never seen a sweeper for a left back before!). This was gutless beyond belief, a slap in the face for anyone who ever believed this manager could ever overcome his cowardly nature. Get it right: we got a point despite the way we played and not because of it.
7th December: "It was a great game…that is why people love football……both teams wanted to battle and go for a win"…………he’s not right in the head, is he? BOTH TEAMS? I really have heard it all now. Smicer shrugged off Bramble and went charging into the left side of their area. The nearest red shirt was worn by Danny Murphy – standing in the centre circle! We are the laughing stock of English football, and it is never going to be any different under this conman. We’ve been given Yeovil in the 3rd round of the cup. I’ve not even got the confidence in this team to speculate on who we’ll meet in the 4th.
8th December: David Moores’ comments that accompany the club’s accounts make interesting reading. "The club’s overriding objective is consistent qualification for the Champions League. While this remains the minimum acceptable requirement, the ambition is to win every competition we enter". Minimum. Acceptable. Requirement. It’s like 2002/03 never happened.
9th December: Not that it’s penetrated one particular skull. "I laughed when I read the context of what had been said", says Gerard, as newspapers sort of assume that he’ll be history if he doesn’t get fourth. It must be nice to have a laugh left in you. I wish I had.
10th December: It was another lunge by Gerrard on Solano, and it wasn’t pretty, but there’s some ugly stirring going on in today’s Express. Quite why David Busst (ex-Coventry) has to be interviewed about wild tackles is beyond me. Was Alf Inge Haaland’s phone engaged or something?
11th December: The flak is flying from all directions, but it’s not bothering poor old Emile. "Everyone has an opinion on how the game should be played and what I should be doing, but the only one that counts is my own ". My italics. I just want you to put those words in the mouth of a spice boy, and gauge what your reaction would have been then: "the only opinion that matters is my own". It’s been repeated so often, like a mantra – Gerard got rid of the spice boy mentality – that fans don’t even question it any more. I can’t think of any of Roy’s players who took the piss quite as much as Heskey.
12th December: "Biscan is a rock – Thommo". Resiiiiist, resiiiiiiist. "We know he has the ability to get forward but the main thing is to keep a clean sheet". Well done, Igor. Just imagine if he had been allowed to get forward, we wouldn’t have had those FOUR clean sheets. Imagine what a dreadful season it would have been without them.
12th December: "We call him the Kaiser", and it seems Didi will be getting a new contract on the basis of his recent performances. Strange thing is, he was being called something entirely different back in February. ‘Surplus to requirements’, wasn’t it?
12th December: Thommo is after blood. Emlyn’s this time, for saying the UEFA Cup isn’t worth winning compared to the 70’s. More axes to grind for Gerard. In fact, Hughes is right: no-one outside the top 4 of the major countries enters the cup at the beginning. Those that enter it later do so because they’ve FAILED in the CL. It’s a losers’ cup, and nobody with ambition wants to be in the damn thing. Why are you wasting time on such bullshit?
12th-13th December: Yesterday, Prentice was talking about "a quantum leap in logic" to suggest that Houllier will go if we don’t finish fourth. Is that a fact? Take a quantum leap off a cliff-edge, you twat. You’re absolutely lapping this up, aren’t you? L 1 SOUTHAMPTON 2 was awful rubbish, easily as bad as Portsmouth away. "The club is going in the right direction" said Thommo. "People jump on the slightest thing". How much more shite do we have to wade through? This was pathetic, everyone in the ground knew it, and it’s now one excuse after another. Hamann was poor, and needed to be subbed, but all the sheep who hang onto Houllier’s every word went berserk. "What? You’re subbing The Kaiser?? Boooooooo!!" United have won 7 home games – we’ve won 6 home and away. We’re a million miles away, and we’ve got to put a halt to the slide.
14th December: "The real supporters will make allowances for the injuries – what would United be like without Scholes and Van Nistelrooy?" Injuries are the new "attempts at goal" – last week it was Newcastle without Shearer and Robert, and he even tried it on for Southampton without Beattie and Ormerod. "I still think we could have won the game"…………sit down man, you’re a bloody tragedy!
15th December: "How would Arsenal play without Henry, Bergkamp and Pires? Maybe you should explain this instead of writing about O’Neill. My focus is on the team, not what is written or said" – is there a full moon out? Barking, absolutely stark raving mad. So much for focus, dwelling on what journalists write about O’Neill or having yet another pop at the phone-ins. It’s alright some fans getting on their high horse about booing in the ground, but the guy isn’t paying any heed to anything he doesn’t like. What else is left? Moores, are you listening to ANY of this? Liverpool FC’s name and reputation is sliding right down into the shithole, and you’re doing nothing. Maybe we need more than a new manager?
15th December: "The ‘silent majority’, who are normally accused of blind loyalty, are starting to make themselves heard. With all due respect to those running Liverpool FC, they’d better start listening". Chris Bascombe in the Echo tonight. Spot on. "Perhaps it’s no longer the hard-core of fans who should be accused of blind faith, it’s those at the very top of the club. They’d better be right or Liverpool’s claim to be part of football’s elite will be consigned to history". ‘Will be’? Look behind you, we passed that point a long time ago.
16th December: It must be bad, because the Echo has asked all the fanzine editors for their views and printed them tonight. All of us want a new boss now, even the admirably patient RAOTL. I never knew a paper that didn’t want to jump on a passing bandwagon, and his latest gibberish ("we are as good as anyone when we have our personnel available") only compounds the image of a mind at the end of its tether. You and us both.
17th December: While the players aren’t helping. Riise chimes in with "if we make that CL spot I’m sure everyone will be happy". How can they be so wide of the mark? Are they so brainwashed now that they’re incapable of anything but parrot-fashion claptrap? Smicer apologises for shouting at a few Kopites on Saturday, although it’s a bit of a back-handed apology. "I tried to stop the goal" – no, you didn’t. You stood rooted to the spot. You wouldn’t have got there anyway, I don’t suppose, but some kind of attempt might have been in order. And then to badmouth Kopites who were pointing that fact out? Well, again; wasn’t Houllier supposed to have rid the club of such arrogant contempt?
18th December: It seems that Abel Xavier is the main source of the rumours linking Real Madrid with a secret bid to sign, er, Abel Xavier. So secret that even Real know nothing about it! Their coach, Carlos Queerarse, says "it’s ridiculous, ugly and unfortunate" – and still on our payroll, apparently.
19th December: "While booing is justified now and again, I don’t think supporters should start making a habit of it". Stevie lad, that all depends doesn’t it? Whose hands is that sort of decision in? I keep hearing about boo boys, but where are they? Who are they? Where are these individuals who say "d’ya know what I like? A bloody good boo, that’s what. I hope we play shit just so’s I can boo them". Since they made you captain, you’ve become a little kissarse on the quiet. Not that all criticism is fair. The Express’ John Dillon jumps on Gerard with both feet, bringing up Ginola, Gerrard at Basle etc – and now the anger after the 2-3 with Bolton. "It crosses a line which Ferguson and Wenger draw at their own dressing room". Is that a fact? So who was the red faced clown slamming his own players after City 3 United 1 last season? There are so many sticks to beat Houllier with, you don’t need to invent them.
19th December: Wes Brown must be close to full fitness. Ferdinand is given an 8 months ban by the FA. There’s been all sorts of bullying bluster going on, but with Man U on one side and FIFA on another Palios and co. had no option. Gordon Taylor looked like a relative had just died.
20th December: Half past one – that’s just when you want to find out when a game’s been cancelled, isn’t it? I suppose it spared us the sight of The Guvnor in full, obnoxious flow. "A weak man would have wanted him sacked but I do not like revenge". Must have been some other reject who tipped us to be relegated, ‘cos Paul Ince isn’t bitter. Oh no. I had a quick drink waiting for the train back, and some Wolves fan said he’d fancied their chances. You do your best, a little bit of sneering and a crack about going down – then he pipes up with "didn’t Sunderland beat you this time last season?". Cheeky oik.
20th December: Couldn’t help but laugh at Gerard’s despairing attempts to keep his sunny side up. " I’ve had more letters of support in this period than anything else" – would they be the ones that end "ps you’ll have to excuse the crayon"? There was some good news for him; Mark Lawrenson says his time is up. That said, some of his tips have been right lately. Didn’t get today’s though, did he?
21st December: Triple dose of the trots in the ‘People’. Fergie, in all seriousness, asks which incident was the worst example to young people: Cantona’s kung fu kick or the Arsenal players surrounding Horsehead? What’s next? Mother Theresa and Harold Shipman – the great sainthood scandal? Meanwhile, there’s all kinds of stirring going on. We’re NOT getting O’Neill and we ARE sharing the new ground with Everton, and Lee Clayton tells Owen to "get your slippers on, lad. Sorry Liverpool, but we are talking England here". There’s no polite word for what you’re talking.
22nd December: I know the standards are being lowered and everything, but this is too much. Was it really necessary for Prentice and Chris B to express relief that we didn’t have to face the worst team in the league? I realise we’re 17 points behind Man U and 11 ahead of Wolves, but are our sights really being set that low now? Ah well, the hacks can say what they like. At least no-one from the club has repeated this crap.
22nd December: "It was a blessing for us……we’ll benefit from replaying the game with Michael and Harry fit". Good one, Rushie lad. The spirit of Bucharest lives on, eh? At least Ian writes "it’s the fans I feel sorry for, the inconvenience and cost of travel should be given more consideration". Always leave ’em laughing, I say.
24th December: At least GH hasn’t lost his sense of humour. "I only ever see my name with the words ‘under fire’ in front of it", Gerard quips. If you’re looking for a little more variety, mate, go on the ’net. Plenty more words in front of your name there! Merry Christmas.
26th December: And quite a nice, albeit late, present from your Uncle Sam. L 3 BOLTON 1 perks everyone up no end. Our crossing has improved 100%, and we took our opportunities very well. Made up for Pongolle, he’s given everyone a lift when there was little to cheer. What the hell was Allardyce playing at, though? Taking your best 3 players off at 0-2, as if to say "ah, this is lost – save it for Leicester on Sunday". Not that I’m complaining, it’s just a shame if you ask me. Everyone seems a damn sight too clever for their own good.
27th December: Chris Kirkland is out for a month after breaking a finger. And yes, the word ‘Stensgaard’ did cross my mind. Bit of a rum do for Gerard, though. All that fall-out after the Bolton game, and now he has to rely on Dudek again. It’s weird. He took loads of stick for just standing and watching Okocha’s free kick, and yet nothing has been said about (a) Lehmann watching another Jay Jay free kick without moving (b) Chris K doing likewise for Robert at St James Park. Hate to say it, but sometimes the opposition are too good and there’s not a thing you can do about it.
28th December: It was raining quite hard during the first half of MAN CITY 2 L 2. By then, the whole away end was just praying for another postponement. That is, honestly, as bad as I’ve seen for years. Truly shocking stuff. They were having such a bad run too, but we sat back and made them feel 10 feet tall. Even Robbie looked good, bless him. The ground’s an oddity as well. Fans wondered why Semmy was subbed. Too much praise, if you ask me. I knew we shouldn’t have clapped that blinding forward run against Southampton. When will we ever learn? Things improved after the break, which isn’t saying much, and all City’s confidence evaporated. They still got an equaliser thanks to our spineless number 8. When Thommo went looking for the ref, did anyone else hope it was Heskey he wanted to smack?
29th December: You only think you’ve heard everything. Sinama-Pongolle didn’t start yesterday because he was "shattered". 30m v Southampton, 60m v Bolton – knackered? Either he should lay off those students, or Houllier’s talking cobblers. Decisions, decisions. And Otsemobor was replaced because, ahem, he wasn’t offering enough going forward………he’s laughing at us, isn’t he? This is some scientific experiment, and we’re the guinea pigs. Surely?
30th December: And Rushie’s in on it, too. "Gerrard can be even better than Souness" is one gem, while his "one to watch in 2004" is Jon Otsemobor. It’s okay for you, you live near Chester. That’s the only place you’ll be able to see Semmy in future. Do Sunderland want another right back?
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