August 2004
By Steve Kelly
1st August: “I will look at the match video and if I see 10 mistakes I will try to correct one. The next time I will correct another. In three months, there will be only two mistakes in a game”. Will you tell him or will I?
2nd August: Riise in tonight’s Echo. “Yes, we do physical exercises and running but for Benitez training is about telling us how we use and keep the ball. The players like that”. So much left unspoken………
3rd August: Rio Ferdinand returns to pre-season training looking like one of the horn section in Sly & The Family Stone. It must stipulate in some section of United’s constitution that at least one player must look and act like a complete tit. Meanwhile at Goodison, the peasants are revolting. An organisation called Evertonians For Change (is demand number one “we want thumbs”?) speaks out against the incredible (but hilarious) mess the blues are in. “The fans are the losers in all of this” …………fish……barrel…… BANG!
3rd August: Chris B has a little dig at the 99% of Liverpool fans who think Igor Biscan is one of the biggest embarrassments this club has ever employed……well okay, one that gets on the pitch ……okay, apart from Phil Easton then. “It is not beyond the realms of possibility the Croatian has earned himself an extended stay at the club – Liverpool officials hope the supporters will be as open-minded”. There’s a difference between open and empty. Debut four years ago, and people are still talking about what’s “possible” “if” he reaches his “potential”. There may be life on Neptune and you might win the lottery, but as in all such cases believe it when you see it.
4th August: Oh hell. L 2 ROMA 1 is marred by an injury to Steven Gerrard. That’s all we need. Still and all, we’ve garnered some impressive results on this tour and all the optimism a new manager automatically brings is starting to be blown out of all proportion. Let’s just hope it doesn’t end in tears. I could certainly do without the Stevie quote in this morning’s Mail (which instantly makes it questionable of course): “Just from watching the boys since I came back, there seems to be something that has been missing over the last 5 or 6 years”. No, you can’t say that lad. I’ll be at the top of the hit-list if Gerard ever goes all ‘Rambo’ on us, but it simply defies logic to cast aspersions on his entire reign. We know it went pear-shaped later on, but let’s not be quite so revisionist eh?
4th August: Have you had a bump (sorry, ‘burmp’) on the head or something? Le Tallec goes on loan to St Etienne and says “the feeling is good, even if he did not promise me a starting place”. Erm, isn’t that why you got hoity and indeed toity with Benitez? Why go to a relic of football, a once-proud European giant which never gets close to winning its own leag-………oops, didn’t see that cul-de-sac coming! It does seem as if he’s just put Rafa in an impossible spot so he could just get back home. I’ll be amazed if we see him in a red shirt ever again.
4th August: Paul Scholes announces his international retirement. Why he waited so long to tell everyone (and why he kept taking a shirt off someone who might actually do something) he doesn’t say. An equaliser against Croatia apart, every “greatest moment” listed in the tabs goes back at least 5 years. John Barnes was hounded till his retirement for doing a lot more than that dwarf.
5th August: Michael Carrick for Everton, financed by Gravesen to Anfield? It’s hard to work out which is more ludicrous. Since West Ham have sold everyone who looked even remotely like a quality player and Carrick is still there, that ought to tell you something. As for a Thomas/Igor match-up in midfield, expect the club to dump YNWA and start the Addams Family theme before kick-off. All together now: “they’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky”………
6th August: One of those all-in-one days at Old Hall Street. “Baros: I would love to play for Barcelona” says the Post. “I want to stay at Anfield”, says the Echo. Buy the morning paper to be scared, buy the evening paper to set your mind at ease. Or I suppose you could get through the day in complete calm by buying neither.
6th August: I’ve been totally ignoring the whole “Sven-gate” fiasco that the papers have been riding all week. Boss screws secretary – is that really what gets people frazzled nowadays? Pathetic. Not as pathetic as the blues claiming Halle Berry as a fan and someone actually asking her for money. Was she the LA blue Bill was banging on about (see issue 65)? Movie in-joke number 7864: wasn’t Irwin Allen interested?
7th August: Having lived a sheltered life, I can’t confirm that ‘Chang’ is Merseyside slang for cocaine as the ‘Mirror’ insists. I do know that in Thailand it means ‘elephant’, and there’s a picture of Rooney with the Thai word for ‘elephant’ on his chest. I also know that I’ve just wet myself. The People’s Club excel themselves with a massive 11,156 from-the-hearts seeing their heroes play Real Sociedad. Don’t tell me, there was a train strike in Wales.
8th August: It’s all in the timing. Yesterday, Danny Murphy was saying “you don’t want to be sat there for two years twiddling your thumbs because a football career is short enough as it is”. Today, he’s been told he can go – to Spurs, probably. It’s called “doing an Antoine”. Meanwhile, the first cuckoo of Alex Ferguson welcomes in the football season. Arsenal did not show “championship form” last season, apparently “there were too many draws for that”. The fact that there were also 26 victories and NO DEFEATS seems lost on the befuddled one, who no doubt regarded today’s 1-3 Community Shield leathering as yet more proof that United still reign supreme. Season hasn’t even started, and I’m already bored to tears.
9th August: Anyone who’s looking for an explanation over Murphy’s departure may find a clue in today’s news. Liverpool are ready to sign Xabi Alonso who dazzled the ever-loyals on Saturday. This is the guy Benitez wanted to replace Gerrard, and certain Real sources wish they were trying to sign instead of Vieira. All of which sounds highly promising, if it wasn’t for the back of the Echo: OWEN ON THE BRINK. With Madrid hovering and the qualifier to come, we’ll know soon enough. Let’s just say I didn’t keel over with the shock.
10th August: All the other papers latch onto Basco’s exclusive, and as ever wander off into fantasyland. He’ll be signing for Surreal Madrid at this rate. £10m plus Morientes?!? Look, we’re in pain here. Stop twisting the knife. Owen and Real hold all the cards, do you seriously think they’re going to be so generous? Sacrilege it may be, but I’m not even sure Owen is the better player. I wonder if Parry has bollocked the Echo, because Bascombe writes some serious bullshit in tonight’s paper: “if Owen plays tonight, it is the greatest act of loyalty in Anfield history”. Now we won’t even mention the speed-of-light turning that William Liddell esquire is currently doing in his grave, but let’s have a test. Let’s snap Michael Owen’s collarbone and ask him to run around for 118 minutes like Gerry Byrne did in ’65. If you’re looking for a volunteer to do the snapping………
10th August: Well, that’s that then. GRAZER AK 0 L 2 saw two fine Gerrard goals, but the only thing that anyone spoke about was the forlorn figure on the bench. The TV cameras picked up a knowing grin, but with millions at stake the club really had no choice. Owen has strung us along for over 12 months now. Enough was enough 6 months ago, but Houllier had no one he could rely on to score goals and any ‘show of strength’ would have been managerial suicide. Maybe I am being unnecessarily bitter after all he’s done for us, but if this is a player with Liverpool “in his blood” I’d hate to watch a mercenary. We should be through after this, but it’s not really a night for any celebrations.
11th August: And it’s also insulting our intelligence, not to say embarrassing for the new boss, to get Rafa to say “I always pick my best team, and Owen was not in it”. What crap. It’s not Benitez’s job to cover for Parry and the business side of the club. We all know what went on last night so stop taking us for idiots. Needless to say, Real pick Morientes for their qualifier so any idea of a swap plus cash deal is dead in the water – not that it was ever that realistic a notion anyway. We’ve been “played”, big time, and it’s sad because we now can’t remember 6 years (well, five and bit) of goals without thinking of the snidey, slimy way it’s ending. Murphy doesn’t help with a borderline xenophobic rant about foreign players, culminating in the laughable “how do you replace Fowler? Or Ruddock” – with three tons of chip fat, perchance?
12th August: Instead of being “furious” about stories that Michael was forced to train with the reserves, the club should be sending out a message to football by making him do it for the whole season. They’re now talking about £8m plus a Real Madrid makeweight, so it’s small change in any case. You can always rely on the Echo to stir it through Phil McNulty (the lowest form of wit – literally) who says Owen doesn’t owe us a thing. The tune will change completely when Blob Of The Bordellos signs for United, of course.
13th August: And Dave Prentice wrote virtually the same thing tonight. Can’t wait for the 476th “what’s gone wrong with the derby atmosphere?” piece. Nunez is the makeweight. Never heard of him, never will either in all probability. “Benitez wanted to sign him weeks before the Owen deal came about”, says his agent. Mandy Rice Davies would know how to answer that one.
14th August: Okay, okay. Let me plaster a smile on my face and plough through this shit one more time. TOTTENHAM 1 L 1 wasn’t a bad result. We have an awful modern record at ‘the Lane’, so I’d have settled for a point. The ghost of Houllier hung over the game (he was on the TV gantry, with two faces grinning inanely), and I hate to criticise other Reds for their poor spelling – but you spell mercy with a ‘y’ and not an ‘i’. The second-half sitback didn’t go down too well, and you could have got long odds on Kewell and Pongolle being our front two on the opening day of the season. Has the boss cut his nose off to spite his face? Murphy could have done a job today, maybe even Diouf. It was a class strike by Cisse though, coming at the right time after losing Michael. Spurs threw in a few tasty challenges (what’s got into Jamie?) and rallied second half, so I wasn’t unhappy at the end. Opening away games are great for meeting familiar faces in the usual drinking pits (if any cockney wants to give us grief about Liverpool, just take a walk down Seven Sisters Road some time), and this one was no exception. We might even enjoy some of the football this season. Just a long shot, mind you.
15th August: Everton take a pounding at home to Arsenal, while Demento’s mind games work not a jot on Mourinho. The sad bastard really hasn’t worked out that the new breed of manager is onto him, but why should we care? If he wants to look like a gimp, that suits us. I just hope Rafa is one of the new breed, too. Seriously, can any manager who spends £100m on Ruud, Veron, Ferdinand, Ronaldo and Klebberson (with another £30m to come on Scrubberboy) really give anyone else lectures on “buying success”?
16th August: Chelsea won, we didn’t. You know what that means don’t you? I really thought we’d have got out of August before all the speculation began, though. Some of us (a very small minority, admittedly) wanted to cut loose from Steven, largely because you could see it hanging around our necks for a whole season without any real assurance that he’d still be here in 12 months. Even the Echo can’t help itself, headlining Bascombe’s report with still plenty to do to meet Gerrard’s standards. “In order to keep the most important member of the team – his skipper – he also has to have instant results, and with the personnel he’s been left it’s not clear how he can do that”. If this really is a true reflection of the captain’s demands then fuck him, basically. The word “team” is a bit of a giveaway here as to how we’re gonna make this work. I really think day one is way too early to begin such a separate agenda.
8th August: I love word games, keeps the old brain cells moving at a rate quicker than a snail on a go-slow anyway. Go from makeweight to deadweight in four moves. In actual fact you can’t, but Antonio Nunez managed it in one training session. Knee ligament damage, with Benitez fearing it will be months rather than weeks. Normally I’d make do with a sarcastic “money well spent, then” at this juncture………
19th August: But it could be worse of course. Everton are trying an “audacious” bid to sign Van der Meyde from Inter Milan. Damn this thesaurus: I looked up “ludicrous” and “ridiculous” but audacious wasn’t one of the alternatives listed. Meanwhile, our Reverse Armada grows and grows with the recruitment of Barcelona’s Luis Garcia. He once scored 16 times at Tenerife, so either that was some 18-30 holiday he went on or we’ve got ourselves a good player.
20th August: We’re still being linked with Joey Barton, and it’s implied we may wait for his contract to run out. So Owen out and Barton in. Swings and roundabouts? Ferraris and Ladas, more like.
21st August: Modern Football Is Awful, part 4,987. “Take Alonso for example. He watched the Tottenham game, he analysed it, and he came to me with three or four suggestions on what we could do to improve”. This is cited by Rafa as a good thing, though how the lad kept it down to 4 is a mystery. “Goalkeeper, defence, midfield, attack” perhaps? Maybe we should be glad Xabi is taking such an interest so quickly, as long as the tail doesn’t stop moving or the dog gets motion sickness. L 2 MAN CITY 1 saw an instant improvement on some of the dross we had to watch at Anfield last season. Not that we were thinking that at half time, mind you. The equaliser came quickly and the football was a lot better after that. For the second time in 6 months, David James handed Gerrard a tap-in for three points – but the change in mood from February was 180 degrees. This was a lot better. Baros refused to be kicked out of it. City have some cavemen in that team: Dunne Mills Thatcher Bosvelt Barton – like Wimbledon, but without the finesse. A mixture of Poll and our gamesmanship (Josemi already looks like a right faker) meant we took a physical battering but we came through it. What was that strange feeling at the end, though? “Enjoyment”, someone said. Makes a change from “relief”.
22nd August: Keegan has a rep as one of the good guys, but he can be a petty prick on the quiet. Apparently, he kept calling our boss Mr Bennett in his press conference and complaining that he couldn’t see the game because of him. Well (a) stand up you lazy get (b) is this Tony Bennett? “I left my arse, in Keegan’s eye-line” etc etc. The remark about Rafa “learning English properly” was uncalled for, but if the boss wants help with the cut-and-thrust of English managerial psychology I will gladly volunteer. Does anyone know the Spanish for “baseball bat”? Or “lay-by”?
22nd August: Wayne Rooney is back amongst the whores, according to the Sunday Mirror. You should really have kept the whole article as it’s a comedy classic, but the standout for me was Wayne’s super-smooth opening gambit: “I’ll stand and have a wank here if you don’t let me in, I fucking swear down dead”. That’s one of Cole Porter’s, isn’t it? I’m a touch ambivalent about his “tawdry sex” with a “granny in pvc”. Yes, it’s funny – but she was 46 and I’m forty-five! They made her sound like Granny Clampett, the ageist bastards. “He was groaning but all I could think of was what Pot Noodle to have for my supper”. She finally decided on Chipolata, for some unfathomable reason.
23rd August: The six worst words in the world: “Can we have your rejects, please?” Everton come sniffing after Finnan and Traore, and if they’re having trouble thinking of a song may we suggest “Die Die Djimi Djimi Die”? This will all be paid for with any of the roubles Sir Bill can milk out of the Zingerevich family. It was they who founded Ilim Pulp Enterprises. What do they “pulp”, exactly? On second thoughts, this is Russian capitalism we’re talking about here so it might be better not to ask. You can bet your life that Kenwright won’t. Paul Gregg sticks his oar in and wants to check the figures, while insisting “this is not sour grapes”. Noooooooo, whoever would have thought such a thing? Expect a Special Agent Gregg banner on the Kop any time soon.
24th August: And now another sugar daddy wants to put £20m into Everton. Someone called Geordie Rooneybid, by all accounts. One of the longest-running Kenwright farces is about to draw to its sadly inevitable conclusion. “Football knights Robson and Ferguson are set to go to war over the hottest young property in English football”. Once again, we’re reminded of the forest scene in Monty Python & The Holy Grail – visions of Wor Bobby shouting “oooh, had enough have we?” etc etc.
24th August: Owen says he was scared of being in “the comfort zone” if he stayed at Anfield. We’d just appointed one of the best coaches in Europe, so frankly this says more about him than it does about us. “I always said that I didn’t want to go on a Bosman”, which is as outlandish a claim as anything which is technically true can be. He can actually look in the mirror and say he did the right thing. Last year, a player went there for £25m who isn’t fit to lace Owen’s boots, while they’ve just spent £12m on a trouble-magnet crock like Woodgate. “I’d like to think it was an amicable farewell”. I’d like Kirsten Dunst on my face, but we can’t all have the things we want. Not even you, you backstabbing little shit.
24th August: “We can’t afford to be too relaxed, we must have the attitude that it’s 0-0 and set out to win” – Sami Hyypia in the a.m. L 0 GRAZER AK 1………Christ, you’d hate to see them settle back on a lead, wouldn’t you? This was shoddy stuff, and I’m afraid the finger points squarely at the manager. He took the opposition far too lightly. My only wish on the night was to sit next to Parry and watch his face contort as he had visions of all those millions being frittered away. The league cup will be the real place to wean the likes of Potter, not the Champions League with the club’s financial security at stake. While congratulating LFC on a price reduction, it’s still nighttime robbery if you do not give the ‘customers’ anything for their cash. In the final nail-chewing minutes, Rafa had withdrawn Baros Cisse and Kewell. Another fluke goal and we’d have been in trouble for extra time. Arrogance and complacency this early? Never have the words “at least we’re through” sounded so hollow.
25th August: Everton have the nerve to tell Rooney “don’t hoodwink the fans”. No, because that’s your job isn’t it? The six worst words in the world: once a blue, always a blue. You’ve milked that for all it was worth, and now he’s leaving you complain about the fans being misled! This is before we mention the debt and the bank. It has been said before but it bears repeating. You can fool some people all the time and all the people sometimes but you can fool all ‘The People’ all the time. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch.
25th August: Morgan’s been knocked back again. You’ve got to give him marks for persistence. This comes on the back of an ample demonstration of our squad ‘strength’ and the unnerving (though hardly surprising) news that the Stanley Park costs have already risen by more than 25% without a brick even laid yet. If David Moores has been watching those Donald Sutherland/Gary Oldman adverts can someone explain something to him? There……are ……no……such……things……as……money……… trees – just in case anyone finds him wandering around the Formby coast with an axe. If not Morgan, then who?
26th August: Well, it’s nice to hear but you can’t help but smile. “I watched a lot of Liverpool matches and what really stuck out was the atmosphere in the ground – I am looking forward to experiencing it at first hand”. I’d like to think it was the Kop’s impish sense of fun that makes it completely silent on Saturday – just to freak Luis Garcia out – but you know and I know that’s not true. We’ve drawn Deportivo, Monaco and Olympiakos in the Champions League. Could have been worse, and none of the teams are great travellers (La Coruna couldn’t even score at Shelbourne), but still tricky. After last Tuesday, we should just be relieved to be in it.
27th August: What a shithouse, what a complete slimeball. “Whatever happens with a sale, if it happens it will be down to the manager’s final decision” says Bill Kenwright. Moyes’ veins are bulging in his temple, and no wonder. As obvious an example of passing the buck as I’ve ever seen. “We don’t need to sell Wayne Rooney”……… I’m amazed his tongue didn’t wrap itself around his neck and choke him. Amazed, and slightly disappointed too – but at least the paupers will actually get what Rooney’s worth. News today that Real and Liverpool have made a “secret” deal (spot the flaw in that) for Owen’s return should things not work out. Two words: Kevin Keegan. The player can’t be held to such a clause, and even if he could it’s a bad idea all round. We’re not your fucking parachute lad. Made, bed, lie.
27th August: A lover spurned. Prentice suggests Wayne should supplement his income with a sponsorship deal for Pot Noodle. Not a bad gag, considering their recent commercials’ family-viewing dalliance with prostitution (“mam, can we have that snack the prozzies eat?” etc etc). Prenno thinks it is “ironic” that Wayne gets to choose between Newcastle and Man U as “Alan Shearer turned down a move to one in favour of playing for his childhood heroes”. A further irony – that it would have been a cold day in hell before Shearer ever chose Everton over Newcastle despite a ludicrously late and insubstantial ‘bid’ – sadly seems to have eluded him.
28th August: But don’t worry Blues, you’re going to sign James Beattie! To go with all the other players you were interested in, I take it? Wayne has now made his intentions clear, calling it “the hardest decision of my life”. You’re 18 for God’s sake, what ‘decisions’ have you ever had to make? Breast or bottle, lego or etch-a-sketch, randy-gran or toothless smackhead with the lazy eye? And now it’s Manchester United or Everton………has anyone got King Solomon’s mobile number? Anyway, they needn’t worry too much as new boy Osman grabs a couple today and…… yes, the shirt is going over the head……yes, there’s a message in marker pen………“all offers considered”. Oh well, they’re being honest at least.
29th August: Slimy goings-on at the Mirror. “Eight Liverpool players” have been filmed at Rooney’s knocking shop (the one he goes to, he doesn’t own it or anything) “we know the names of all the shamed stars which includes soccer internationals, but have decided to spare their blushes – for now”. Anyone remember a Python sketch called ‘Blackmail’? Sounds a bit like that doesn’t it? Of course, they could just name the players and have their readers respond with a resounding “who?” and a nationwide yawn – or they could just leave us in suspense and use it as leverage for future exclusives in case any turn out to be ‘the next Wayne’ (making Rooney’s exclusive for the Scum all the more disturbing?). Oh, and cause worry and heartbreak for loads of completely innocent young players and their families along the way. The Sun may be scum, but do you seriously think the Mirror is any better?
29th August: “I told Mr Benitez that I was desperate to wear 10, worn by so many great players, I see it as a kind of challenge to take on”. Well, good luck with the rest of the ‘challenge’ then. Apart from a well-taken goal, Garcia didn’t offer up much during BOLTON 1 L 0. This is a difficult place, and anyone expecting the three points was seriously deluded but a bit of passing and creativity and cohesion wasn’t an awful lot to ask. Was it? What is even more disturbing was Rafa’s tinkering and that ghastly Houllier trick of switching wingers. How many more times does it need to be said – it doesn’t ever!!! We confuse our own players and give the opposition the advantage. Not that they didn’t have one already with the dreadful Rennie. Elbow our centre half out of the game, then try to cut his replacement in two (good job we never sold Djimi, yet more words I never thought I’d say). By the time Davies has committed two yellow card offences and received not one, he’s putting the ball in the net. It’s all excuses of course because we didn’t deserve anything, but I’d like to see this team on an even playing field and this wasn’t it. Not a great week, frankly. We can all get snooty about Fergie’s extra time (he bullied a fourth official into adding another minute yesterday) but they deserved their equaliser because they threw everything forward and bombarded the Rovers goal. Do you ever see Liverpool play like that any more?
30th August: Not a great time for Everton to visit Old Trafford, but credit them for getting a hard-fought point. They were serenaded with “one Wayne Rooney” by the great unwashed, no doubt highly pleased that a United player gets his sex scandal out of the way before he gets to the theatre of perverts. I assume the usual trash about hating Scousers and building bonfires was forgotten then? Or am I being hopelessly naïve? Hypocrites. We never did that to Paul Stewart………oh, hang on we did didn’t we? Maybe Wayne will be the exception, which is a shame because you would actually get quite a good blaze out of him.
31st August: Harris is back! “How Gerrard must regret his decision, with Chelsea having a 100% record while Liverpool have lost twice”. Glad to see you haven’t lost your touch. It took one league defeat (but hey, throw in Grazer if it’ll help) to start the ball rolling again. How do you sleep at night?
31st August: ONCE A BLUE, TODAY A MANC. They left it a bit late, changed ‘always’ to ‘today’ and seem to be inferring it only applies to doughboy, but finally the Echo has come round to our way of thinking. The next time Alex Ferguson goes to a Goodison derby, I suspect it will be something other than the grateful slapping hands of Evertonians plunging onto his back. Speaking of which, Ian Rush’s managerial prospects at Chester have already been written off by Preston’s gift to clairvoyance. Hence the other big Echo headline “My mate Lawro stabbed me in the back”. Could have been worse, Rushie lad (see me – legal ed).
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