September 2004
By Steve Kelly
1st September: What a right bunch of villains we are and no mistake. It was Liverpool’s gangland that forced Steven Gerrard to stay, and it was the Liverpool’s mobsters who forced Rooney to leave. Either that, or the Daily Mail is a bigoted piece of unmitigated filth that detests this city and everything it (proudly) stands for. “Is it perhaps time for the superstar to leave his native city for his own safety” – and yes, head straight for Manchester. No violence, gangsters or “strong links with international drug trafficking” there. Dear me, no.
2nd September: Another international, another injury to a Red. Steven Gerrard has a groin injury that makes him doubtful for the England game in wherever it is. If possession is nine tenths of the law, shouldn’t they be returning that training ground stretcher to Melwood?
3rd September: Lucky old Sky. Having by sheer coincidence benefited from Rio’s return to competitive football, it turns out that Wayne’s foot will heal by the time we turn up at Old Trafford according to their medical expert – one Dr Murdoch. The recuperative properties of obscene amounts of cash should never be underestimated.
4th September: We’re not even playing and they can still get their digs in. “Poland’s 21st-century successor to The Clown fears his side could slip on a banana skin in Belfast”. So forgive me a smirk or 10 at the following scores: Northern Ireland 0 Poland 3, Austria 2 England 2 – featuring one of the worst howlers ever from David James. Dudek may not be what he once was, but anyone wishing to swap him for Calamity needs their head testing.
5th September: Andreas Ivanschitz is the marvellously-monikered goal scorer from last night. The Austrian team-sheet seems in fact to have come straight out of a Carry On film. Sick, Kuhbauer (milord, Kuhbauer), Aufhauser, Haas and Ivanschitz. Sounds like a night in for Rooney. Full marks to the ‘People’ for their match report headline: “SCHITZ HAPPENS”. Their player ratings featured the following: “Gerrard 6 – brilliant goal but was obviously hampered by a hamstring injury and looked tired”. So why did he last a staggering 83 minutes before being replaced? Gerrard misses Liverpool games, Liverpool lose ground on Chelsea, Chelsea look the better proposition, Gerrard leaves. Thanks Sven. Still doing your bit, eh?
5th September: Apart from the obvious weight joke, you can’t help but laugh at Demento’s claim that he has “a gut feeling about Wayne”. The man’s psychic, he really is. Not only did he have a good vibe about Rio Ferdinand, he’s spotted that this Rooney lad could make a name for himself one day. “He could have the same impact as Eric Cantona”. So that would be 5 championship medals in 6 years, then? All together now: burblburblburblburblbur burblbrburbl………
6th September: Is there anyone in the game, apart from Ferguson, with more apologists than Graeme Souness? He’s taken the Newcastle job, and of course that means piles of piffle and collective amnesia about his Liverpool reign. “It is over 10 years since he walked out on his dream job” says Richard Tanner in the Express. Walked out?!?!? That’s a good one, but not quite as sly as listing all his controversial moments (Mojo, the Gala flag, Cole & Yorke) – er, all of them except for Loverpool, his biggest screw-up. But then journalists always did love him. I hear that Phil McNulty is already stocking up on mouthwash as we speak.
8th September: Poland 1 England 2, with a touch of class from Jermaine Defoe. So that’s no place in the Real team and even his England place is under threat. My heart bleeds.
9th September: From the Mail’s sports diary: “the move of Woodgate followed a chance remark from President Perez to SFX during the Owen deal who said he would like a central defender next year. He was told by SFX that they also looked after Woodgate and a new deal was done”. Well that’s just fabulous. Just like that, eh? Isn’t it the case that any club signing one of their players is simply not guaranteed an atom of loyalty? So why deal with them at all? Meanwhile, Souness himself has caught the amnesia bug. “The Geordies remind me of Rangers fans. Like them, Newcastle is the most important thing in their lives. They have so much passion and when I’ve been there they are up and out of their seats” – none of which applies to us, of course. If 50,000 of the barcode bastards could make half the noise 20,000 of us made against Auxerre that night, I’d coat my arse in honey and hang it out the window for the bees. In fact, I might just do that anyway – just for the buzz (you’re fired – ed).
10th September: Big hullabaloo over the England players not speaking to the press after the treatment of David James in (what else) The Scum. Lots of sanctimonious huff ‘n’ puff about the players ignoring the people who pay their wages. Do we get a say in this? Because if it means not having to listen to David Beckham and his 20 y’know’s in one sentence, I’m all for it. The God-like One’s balls seems to be turning from pure yellow gold to a distinct shade of green (there’s a Rebecca Loos joke coming) as the whole press corps lay into him. That chokehold he puts on anyone who dares to try and take the limelight away from him (it was poor Defoe this time) is offensive, but the same truth holds when he’s being obscenely feted or ludicrously libelled: this is just a footballer. Get over yourselves, for God’s sake. Doesn’t it make you sick when the ringmasters complain about the circus?
10th September: Must we? Groundshare rears its ugly head once more. This particular dead horse won’t lie down, will it? “Everton could be forced to leave the city to find a new home” cries the Echo “but it is understood Everton would have to overcome huge obstacles to get groundshare back on the agenda”. One being that Everton leaving the city is not actually thought to be a bad thing round these here parts. And take your stupid paper with you. McNulty wasn’t available, so Prentice chimes in on the Souness angle. The fact that he can also lay into Newcastle at the same time is just a bonus. Whip dat horse der, la. “I’ve no grudge against Newcastle apart from the usual one about one-eyed zealots with an inflated sense of their own importance”. Is it salmon shooting season already?
11th September: Get your retaliation in first. Years of Liverpudlian nightlife have taught El Hadji Diouf something, anyway. Mindful of Houllier’s soon-come autobiography, the treacherous little get gets his dig in about divided dressing rooms and a manager who “often picked me out to justify certain defeats”. As with Heskey, Houllier has been kicked in the balls by the one individual who should really have been loyal.
11th September: Be honest. When you saw that team sheet, you thought he was looking for an escape hatch already, didn’t you? One up, at home to a promoted side? We needn’t have worried. L 3 WEST BROM 0 saw some good, open football the likes of which we haven’t seen here for a while. Garcia’s flicks, so aggravating at the Reebok, were now coming off and everyone – especially Stevie – was getting the benefit. Finnan took his goal well, and if a defensive presence allows Gerrard off the leash maybe we should persist. Yes, it was ‘only’ Albion but if you go back to Easter it was ‘only’ Charlton and ‘only’ Fulham. If we intend to make these teams look like the cannon fodder they are, that’s already a big step forward. If this was a hint to the forwards that they must learn to play together, so be it. One headless chicken run (you know who) drew a groan from 40,000 people at once, but he did set Cisse up with a good chance at the end. There’s so much potential there, it would be a crime to waste it because of selfishness (from both players). Good day out, enjoyed it immensely.
12th September: Diouf on dressing room splits, and now this morning’s tripe about Gerrard moving to Real Madrid. Have we got a big game coming up soon? We used to call it Stevie Mac syndrome. With United sycophants, only the surnames change. It’s caught old Harry on the hop, though. Normally leading the charge where Gerrard’s future is concerned, he has nowt to say on this – presumably because it’s not about Chelsea. He does provide a huge laugh though when a few readers wrote in to ask him which team he supports. “That is, of course, a valid question but I’m going to keep you guessing”. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
13th September: There’s always one isn’t there? Matthew Dunn in the Express writes a whole match report on Luis Garcia. “More of a liability than a help”………one goal made, one goal scored, I’d love to see him when he makes a significant contribution. “A lightweight frame that was never going to see any change out of Darren Purse” – the ghastly pun aside, the idea that Albion’s defender had Garcia in his pocket is too laughable for words. Do you honestly get paid for this? I’m in the wrong job, definitely. They’re all either blind or forgetful. Prentice whinges about Cahill’s red card and starts talking about siege mentality. “Harvey pinned a few headlines in the Anfield dressing room before the 87 league cup tie – Everton had lost there 4 days previously”. Now I never thought I’d be teaching derby history to a bitter, but it was actually the other way round. You really don’t remember that game, Dave? “Niggerpool”? “Everton are white”? None of that ringing any bells? You amaze me ………
15th September: He’s not a well man. With all the evidence to the contrary piling up in front of him, Ferguson brags that United “are as good as we were in 1999”. The words which preceded this little pearl were (and I kid you not) “we have to be objective about it”. Dear me. He then goes on to spew out the usual rubbish about not winning the European Cup because “we play too many games”. Should anyone wish to provide him with the list of games Liverpool played in 1984, I will happily provide them with the flame-retardant suit. L 2 MONACO 0 kept the good football going, but it was a shame that a paltry crowd was there to see it. The club is too greedy for its own good, and having swindled fans for Graz they should have known better. The new stadium simply isn’t viable, we’re not brainwashed automatons like the Mancs. We can spot a con a mile away, and the Champions League group stages are the biggest fraud of the lot. It’s a shame because Deschamps was very nice about us before the game only to be greeted by row after row of empty seats. We created chances and finally put the game beyond reach when for once Baros’ selfishness paid off. After two years of gruelling robotic stuff, it’s baffling to hear the stick for Kewell (who played okay) and the roars for Warnock when he made a tackle were irritating. We can slag Monaco off, or we can give ourselves a boost. For now, the latter seems the better option. We played really well, end of.
16th September: And it’s all down to one man. Yes, Gerard Houllier! That’s according to the Mail’s John Edwards, who spends the entire match report spouting about the former manager’s Cisse ‘legacy’. Alonso looked class and Garcia was busy again, but Djibril got 90% of the piece followed by this disturbing little nugget: “As the players went through their warm-down 15 minutes after the final whistle and made their way towards the tunnel Houllier was waiting with an outstretched hand to greet every one of them”. Gizza job, go on, gizzit………
16th September: But pride of place for boneheaded press idiocy goes to our own Echo and “GARCIA DELIGHT AT KENNY LINK”. Fans may be talking about the role of the second striker and how we seem to thrive with a playmaker alongside a poacher, but how this becomes a comparison with the greatest player in our history is beyond belief. Apparently he has also been “dubbed ‘the mini Litmanen’ in some quarters”. Let’s hope they’re closed quarters or even quarantined. Whatever they’ve caught, I don’t want it.
17th September: Big interview with Phil Thompson, all a bit blinkered to be honest. “Gerard Houllier always wanted to leave a legacy – and that’s what he’s done”. Well, let’s not go there. The 30-point gap is attributed almost solely to an “extraordinary Arsenal season” which is only half-true since they never broke the points record. We were 32 behind United in 1994 – and Souness paid for it with his job. Don’t think Thommo was disagreeing with that, somehow. A word that popped up was “amicable” to describe his departure. With the club, maybe. The fact that the interview was conducted by John Thompson shows that Phil (and probably Gerard) still have issues with the way Bascombe did his job. Unfairly so, since the diplomacy in some match reports masked the kind of unease and displeasure that ordinary fans felt. Chris sugar coated OUR concerns and grievances, and for that Thommo should be grateful.
17th September: Meanwhile, Prentice stirs it up about the attendance. Various reasons are put forward for the 33,517 crowd, including the usual snidey bitter shite about midweek games “cutting down on the number of out-of-towners arriving”. Unlike the bulging midweek coffers of Goodison Park, you mean? Or even on a weekend. Go and ask Colin Harvey what he spent his testimonial money on, you bilious prick.
18th September: Honestly, have we all got donkey’s ears or something? What makes football managers think their ‘patrons’ are morons? Last season, Houllier tried to back up Emile by recalling a goal he’d scored in 2002 but Benitez goes one better for Kewell. He saw a game at Old Trafford where Harry gave Jaap Stam a hard time. This was 2001, and Leeds lost 3-0. How desperate can you get? Some Reds still protect Igor Biscan because he had two good games v Man U and Arsenal in 2000! Instead of berating ex-Reds in the media, maybe Gerard should have asked them if they’d brought their boots?
19th September: Man U’s official website prints some Scouse-baiting songs in Spanish. There are a few Internet howls of outrage by Disgusted of Speke, but mainly the overall tone is one of bewilderment. What the hell possessed them? The next time one of their number gives it the “you’re obsessed with us” number, just laugh in his spotty, twisted faces.
19th September: Troubling headlines for our friends in the valleys, as the Express lead with “Houllier lined up for Welsh job”. I mean, wasn’t Max Boyce punishment enough?
20th September: Speaking of Wales, let’s have some statistics fun with our bluenose brethren. Prentice believed a midweek Anfield crowd of 33,517 (with no away fans) merited serious discussion, while a Sunday afternoon crowd to witness Everton’s best league start for 26 years of 34,078 (3,000 away fans) brought no response whatsoever. “There may be lies, damned lies and statistics – but who cares?” Not you obviously, you two-faced twat.
20th September: Clough dies, and it’s not enough to put aside our feelings of mutual loathing. His achievements can’t be questioned, but as a man I just had no time for him. Maybe those fans who booed the announcement before MAN UNITED 2 L 1 were out of order, but only Jesus ever turned the other cheek. The damage he did to the Families’ fight for justice was huge, and was done purely for financial gain (as was the piss-poor ‘apology’ a while back). If I’m to show respects to anyone it’ll be to the 96, the bereaved and the injured – as well as those who are still scarred by what they saw that day, sights Clough could only imagine but cared only to accept police lies about. The game itself was a damp squib, as apart from 20 second-half minutes we weren’t in it. Graham Poll let them kick lumps out of us, proving that he’d taken his April warning to heart and wouldn’t be “going against you ever again, Mr Ferguson sir”. Ferdinand had it far too cushy on his return, especially since he’d obviously forgotten to eat before the game. Energy bar? Is that what we’re calling it now, eh? Picking Garcia, Cisse and Kewell made us far too lightweight. Say what you like about Gerard, but he knew what to do here. Scrap, hustle, keep it tight, get them frustrated and grab whatever you can. It wasn’t a shock by any means, but we’d got used to better here and they’re not that good a side any more. Think we’ll look back on this as a good opportunity wasted.
21st September: And as the day Gerrard went missing for two months. Two years ago we never knew what a metatarsal was, but now everyone seems to have them – and break them. Alonso and Hamann looked okay last night, so hopefully we won’t suffer too much. We can’t pretend that losing Owen to Real and Gerrard to the treatment table aren’t major blows.
21st 22nd and probably the rest of September: Stand well back, here comes a tidal wave of sycophantic drivel. Since the BBC seem convinced that Clough and only Clough won two European Cups in a row, it’s again left to us to remind everyone that Bob Paisley not only did that but won a third and left the club as the reigning champions – not playing in another division with a stream of bung, alcohol and ticket scandals trailing behind him, and two years from smearing innocent people as killers. If this sounds bitter I’m sorry, but it appears that the brutal honesty the ex-Forest manager was so renowned and worshipped for is not quite so enchanting when it’s applied to him. This “worked on a shoestring” nonsense; wasn’t that because he spent so much money on Ward, Fashanu and Wallace (not forgetting the first £1m striker ever)? In all of the eulogies, not a single reference was made to his disgusting take on Hillsborough and the anguish he so needlessly caused. Print the legend, eh?
23rd September: Nunez is getting further and further away from a return, as surgery is now needed on his knee. Yes, it’s all bad luck – but if it happens often enough does it stop being luck and become a problem which needs solving? Oh well, at least Chris Kirkland is making his comeback tonight………
24th September: Never make a journalist look foolish, you will make an enemy for life. The press disgracefully try to twist Rick Parry in knots by asking him if he still held the view that the FA should have pursued Clough more strenuously on the bungs issue, which he said years ago. Maybe Parry should have just said no comment, but that’s no reason to make it look like he offered up the quote in the week of the guy’s death with a “SHAME ON YOU” headline. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Harry Harris gets all high and mighty while slyly regurgitating every single allegation against Clough! “Clough was a rascal, but he was also a winner – for now, let us remember the winner” is the laughable last line after a page’s worth of character assassination, and all on the back of Parry. Meanwhile, Prentice and Capeling are getting their petty bluenose digs in while they can, the latest being a crack about our game with United: “I hate these mid-table clashes”. To paraphrase Steve Coogan “in 88 we finished above Everton, in 89 we finished above Everton, in 90 we finished above Everton, in 91 we finished above Everton, in 92………I mean I could go on”………
25th September: Morgan has competition. There are now three bidders all queuing up to be ignored by Moores, the latest being a (ahem) film producer from Los Angeles. For a start, he’s done nothing you’ll ever heard of. Secondly, he’s quoted as saying his first game was a 1-1 draw in 1977 with Wolves – and no record of any such game exists. Thirdly, if he’s such a loyal Scouser what’s he doing making his football film in Newcastle? “My only problem is that Anfield Road is not in LA”. I doubt if NWA would have been quite so cocky if it was.
25th September: The day started well enough with Steve Bruce being beaten outside his house in the early hours. The attack was so fierce that it bent his nose back into shape and put his eye back in place. After that I’d have accepted anything from the Reds but L 3 NORWICH 0 was the icing on the cake. Superb movement and excellent passing, especially from Alonso who had the crowd purring at one point. It’s a fair point to call these teams weak and ripe for the picking, but two years ago Albion came up and even with ten men were still in the game seconds before the final whistle. This year, they were wrapped up in ribbons by half time and so were Norwich. If that’s going to be the difference under Benitez, Anfield will once again be a place of pleasure and not pain. There will be tougher challenges, and Steven Gerrard will be missed – but not today. Dietmar Hamann’s tackle was poor, but the emphasis it received on the BBC was well out of order. There were other factors to the fore today, but anyone waiting for a fair shake from the Liverpool-supporting BBC is committing an act of futility nowadays.
26th September: Danny Murphy is getting bitterer by the day. He’s still banging on about the English heart, so beloved of Gerard Houllier (just check how many of his 40-odd signings were English……) and bemoans Rafa’s lack of knowledge about LFC history. He may have a point about United’s success, but he’s clutching at straws to find the English influence on Arsenal and Chelsea. It just sounds like a rant, and not a very pleasant one at that. Super Dan should be remembered fondly for the Treble, and we’ll all be dead the next time a Liverpool player scores three winners at Old Trafford, but he’s going entirely the wrong way about it. No mentions for the lack of a one-minute silence yesterday. Even when they can beat us up over it, they still won’t write anything that raises the issue of Hillsborough will they? To quote that wise philosopher Gilbert O Sullivan, alone again naturally.
27th September: This fanzine has done more than its fair share of goodwill hunting for Stan Collymore, almost to the point where it felt like we worked for BNFL or the tobacco industry – but no more. His book’s out today, serialised in the Mirror, and it looks like a treacherous trail of sleaze. One story about Roy Evans’ daughter is just disgraceful. Stan was talented, better than Cantona in my view, but as a man he’s a grade-Z grotesque. Will he ever look back on his life and think this serialisation should have been in the back of the paper and not the front of it? I doubt it.
28th September: Thank you ITV2 for allowing us to share airtime with United. Of course, the more bitter amongst us might say that with two channels it wasn’t really necessary to show quite so much of Rooney during our game, but not me. My only beef is that if they really wanted to spare our blushes during OLYMPIAKOS 1 L 0 couldn’t they just have shown a decent film instead? Shocking performance, without a single moment of merit. We keep getting kicked out of matches (is Collina the most overrated person on the planet?) but I don’t think that mattered. This was a total shambles from start to finish. Zonal marking looks set to be the biggest bore since I went on that Evertonian coach trip to Treorchy. Maybe I’m being unreasonable, but who do you think I’m going to listen to about coaching matters? Jim Beglin and Robbie Earle, or Rafael Benitez? Take your time…………
30th September: “The problem is not the system, the problem is their mentality”. Gulp. Close your eyes and say that in a French accent. No, it couldn’t be ………could it? “My teams win a lot of away games” which basically translates as “Valencia had a great away record”. We kidded ourselves a bit (a lot, in fact) after Norwich, which is why Olympiakos hurt so much. This is transition folks, form tends to fluctuate – up and down, like a whore gagging for her Pot Noodle. Get used to it.
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