November 2004
By Steve Kelly
1st November: Incredibly spiteful stuff in the ‘Express’. “Rafael Benitez was much less sympathetic – surprisingly refusing to offer words of comfort to his £14m striker until the doctors had confirmed the diagnosis……and carrying the excess baggage of regrets over letting Owen leave Liverpool” etc etc. Welcome to England, Rafa.
1st November: In a moment of Pythonesque insanity, Ferguson rips into Arsenal. Yes, I was surprised too. And this is after a game they’ve won, don’t forget. Lucky they didn’t tell him about the dirty knife. He’s now sending a dossier to the FA ordering them to punish (deep breath) Henry, Bergkamp, Edu and Vieira for numerous fouls that Mike Riley didn’t see. In his own defence, Mike did reply that he saw a penalty nobody else did.
2nd November: The life of Stan Collymore now takes place solely on the front pages of grubby tabloids – and no, the words ‘Justin’ and ‘Fashanu’ did not pop into my head just then. He’s taken a beating from some Rugger types: true gents, standing up for a lady’s honour don’tcha know? Stan claims racism, but he’s in his own Dimwit cul-de-sac where people automatically believe the other side of the argument no matter how far-fetched it is. That’s an awfully lumpy bed you’ve made Stan, but………
3rd November: Meanwhile in the tedious world of football, DEPORTIVO 0 L 1 brightens up the mood a tad. I sent a text to a fellow editor: “Traore and Biscan both excellent”. He’s no doubt saving it for a spot of blackmail in the future, but I don’t care. Apart from one slightly comical moment when Biscan concussed Kirkland (fancy waking up to find that looming over you) it was plain sailing. I don’t know what the hell’s happened to them (no goals in four games after a semi last time out) but frankly who cares? We’re back in with a shout.
4th November: It’s neck and neck in the race to be Chief Executive of the FA. In the red corner, there’s Brian Barwick the head of ITV Sport – and in the other corner is Richard Bowker, who used to run the railways………has Gerald Ratner retired, then? Echo ‘Man of the Match’ award goes to Biscan, “no longer a joke figure” apparently. Basco still touts this “kept Keane and Vieira quiet’ nonsense, without mentioning (a) just because they had ineffective games it doesn’t mean that Igor was responsible (b) IT WAS FOUR BLOODY YEARS AGO! Gerard Houllier was God two years ago. There’s a little thing called Consistency, and until Biscan shows even a speckle of it I’ll stick to the jokes thanks all the same.
5th November: Mutu’s 7-month drugs ban has got Chelsea up in arms. Having already sacked him, he can now waltz off to any club he likes next summer. I’m not sure why this has amused me so much. Sick in the head, I suppose. Meanwhile, the announcement of record £21m losses at LFC comes neatly wrapped in a story about Houllier and staff taking half of it in “termination payments”. There’s a Mafia joke there somewhere, but the Echo settles for “this will undoubtedly raise eyebrows among shareholders and fans”. The t’Internet inevitably goes ballistic with razor-sharp memories of the Summer 2002 signings as well. It’s all Gerard’s fault, apparently – which will be music to the ears of some, the chairman and chief exec that sanctioned those deals especially. I couldn’t ever be called a Houllier fanatic, but it’s only fair to point out there was income as well as expenditure: numerous cup finals, a long successful UEFA cup run, 2nd place and 3 cracks at the Champions League. We’re currently paying the price of failure but let’s not all have a complete Stalinist whitewash, eh?
6th November: Is Rennie the worst referee in the world? Or does he just absolutely hate Liverpool? I’m losing count of the blatant pens he’s denied us or the amount of bruises we get in his matches. L 0 BIRMINGHAM 1 was no different. The two minutes of injury time (after Savage had rolled and whined for at least 3) beggars belief, and now our opponents are allowed to play with two goalkeepers. We sit there and take it though. Gary Lineker and the ex-Liverpool players on his panel were laughing at Benitez tonight. We’ve missed loads of chances again, and they go up the other end and score with their ONE shot on target. Biscan fans will no doubt be reminding me that ‘consistency’ only comes if you’re actually picked for two games in a row, and it’s a point well taken. Could he play any worse than Kewell and Garcia are at the moment? I doubt it.
7th November: The papers come to the Scousers’ aid for once. We always get a lot of crap about the “chip on shoulder” thing, but read these three storylines at once. ONE: “Keegan’s Ready To Walk” plus TWO: “Anelka Move to Liverpool On” equals THREE: “United v City, live on Sky Sports One today”. It didn’t work, anyway. Sad United types rat on Fowler for showing them two fingers, typically ignoring the four fingers on the other hand. Like manager, like fans. “Maybe it’s the big game factor? Maybe European football represents a big game for my players while the mundane challenge of the league is not the same” is, less than surprisingly, only the second craziest thing Demento says today. “My players would have to be hit by an axe to get a penalty at the moment”. Any way we can put it to the test? Riley, Rooney, any of those ringing a bell? Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling………
8th November: “I know all about the expectations here and what the crowd expect. You just have to try and blank it out”. Emile gives Kewell some handy tips on how to become an Anfield legend. Those ‘expectations’ of ours? They wouldn’t be standing upright, getting through a game without crying your leg off, scoring every two months or hitting a barn door occasionally by any chance? If there were gold medals for “blanking out” criticism…… ……
9th November: More lies from the Daily Snide. “Benitez used Owen as bait, now he’s the one who’s been bitten”. “We can reveal Owen was railroaded into moving”. I have only one message for any Liverpool fan reading that and being stupid enough to believe it: take a look at these magic beans…………
9th November: God damn it. We’ve lost another Anfield Legend – and at such a heartbreaking age too. Emlyn Hughes was a magnificent player who embodied everything that made us great in that era. Ability. Heart. Passion. Energy. A winner. He could be a pain in the arse of course, but if there were 11 players in our current team all with a fraction of what he had we would rule the game again. I’ve no doubt at all about that. Rest in peace.
10th November: 28,000? For a Reserves game? Who said we were finished? L 2 MIDDLESBROUGH 0 had its dicey moments, but for once the officials gave us some leeway. I’m glad Mellor got his chance and took it. Both of them, in fact. If there is to be more creativity and chances made in Liverpool games, there’s room for someone who ‘just’ scores goals. He’s not up there with Owen – who is? – but now it’s a squad game Neil should definitely play a role. It’s not like Boro put an unrecognisable team out either, so well done lads. PS how many games do you have to play before you become the next hot tip for England’s “problematic” left midfield role? Scott Downing must hold the record, surely?
11th November: How do you get the big clubs interested in the League Cup again? I guess you can only pray that the balls will be kind and produce some tasty fixtures. United v Arsenal, Fulham v Chelsea, Spurs v Liverpool for example. Ah, if only wishing made it so ……
12th November: “Some people think if you don’t beat every man in the team twice, whip in crosses from every angle and score a couple as well then you’ve not played well”. Hmmmm. There are also ‘people’ who think that if you beat one man once, whip in A cross from ANY angle and score every so often then you’d have justified your astronomical wages. And there are others (the heretics, obviously) who are beginning to think that Harry Kewell is one of the laziest, whiniest, cheekiest bastards ever to have worn the Red shirt. It’s all about opinions, I suppose.
12th November: You’d think that with things going ever so well at The Pit (I suspect Black Magic, but I’m bitter) there would be less likelihood of Kenwright and Prentice making complete arses of themselves. You thought wrong. “Since his arrival, David has proved to be one of the most gifted young managers of his generation”. Two full league seasons, seventh and seventeenth. I’ll bet Jose Mourinho can’t eat properly for the trembling. Prentice provides a snapshot of his childhood: hectoring Emlyn Hughes on a Sunday morning walk in the park about Everton beating QPR. He’s grown up now, of course. Regarding the infamous “tragic” gaffe, David has relented slightly: “it was silly, drink-fuelled but not unforgivable”. Which is why an Echo columnist referred to it almost 26 years after the event last year. When Clive Thomas dies, expect more saccharin revisionism.
13th November: The long-predicted player v club war hears the first shot, if stories of United pay-cuts are to be believed. Those prawn sandwiches not selling as well as they used to? In an entirely coincidental side-story, Roy Keane is “poised to call time on Reds”. He has become (ahem) “disillusioned by his form this season” apparently. Clearly, all those money worries are preying on his mind. It’s hard to dismember footballers when you’re thinking where you’re next billion is coming from.
13th November: Tasteless headline from Harry Harris: “Sorry Ron Still Faces TV Blackout”. Or did the sub-editor misunderstand the story and they’re bringing the Black & White Minstrel Show back?
13th November: Oh yeah, the match –nearly forgot! L 3 CRYSTAL PALACE 2 was another crazy game. One shot allowed, one header allowed = 2 goals conceded. Are we unlucky, or are there deeper problems? It’s all academic of course, as Baros hears Gerrard is fit and tries to nab the “one man team” headlines for himself. He does my head in sometimes, a clearer example of Craig Johnston Syndrome I have never seen. He takes a hell of a kicking though, so the falls aren’t always to his advantage. At the moment, we’d be buggered without him. Dowie was a bit petty, but Baros invites trouble and with his gung-ho style I can’t ever see him lasting a whole season.
13th November: Muzzy Izzet handles on the goal line, gets sent off and Everton win with the penalty he concedes. They must have changed the rules………
14th November: The England players show solidarity with the fight against racism before their trip to play Aragones’ Spain by wearing anti-racism t-shirts during their training sessions. I haaaaave a dreeeeeam todaaaaay. The Sunday Express doesn’t quite get into the swing of things, as it also features the fight to give Brian ‘Spear chuckers’ Clough a posthumous knighthood. Don’t worry if you think another, far more deserving manager who also won titles at home and abroad is going to be ignored. They’re campaigning for Bill Nicholson too.
14th November: I told a lie about Palace. According to this morning’s stats, they had three attempts at goal. Sorry if I made the game seem one-sided.
15th November: Rafa could have chosen a more apt time to talk about ‘improving’ Milan I suppose, but he’s got a point. It simply allows the local blue hacks to go in full pelt. If all Prentice articles on Liverpool featured the words “I don’t want to be churlish but” it would save everyone the time it takes to read it all. Capeling prattles on about bulls in china shops and blinkers and a “lack of real class”, but the truth hurts worse than lies I suppose. Why the blues aren’t more concerned with their own problems I can’t say. I haven’t been able to work it out for 30 years, to be honest. The Debt currently stands at £42m and has doubled in two years – I blame Peter Johnson - but the Luvvie is “calm” because the Fortress Sports Fund is riding to the rescue. True, it’s coming by horse and cart – but they’ll get there.
15th November: The Millwall whitewash is almost complete. I don’t suppose anyone should be surprised to hear a high-ranking police officer call Hillsborough chants “banter”, but the rest of the country just shrugging its shoulders and going “so what?” does still hurt.
16th November: “These figures show that Everton are now haemorrhaging money in a way that even the sale of Wayne Rooney can’t stop”. Professor Tom Cannon takes a break from his day job as Obligatory Sky Interviewee For Liverpool Financial Matters to comment on his own club for a change. Doesn’t that break some kind of Blue code? One “shocked” shareholder – been in a cave for 15 years, have we? – pointed to an unexplained debt of £10m from last year’s accounts. The word ‘brothel’ ought to have been a bit of a clue.
17th November: Disgraceful scenes in the Bernabeau as a poor England side take a lesson from Spain. Rooney acts like a complete brat, throwing away an armband in memory of Emlyn (once a blue etc) and kicking everything that moves. Sven thought he was an accident waiting to happen, so immediately replaced him with Alan Smith………a-ha. Fatso then sat on the bench and drank his sponsor’s ghastly product. Nice to know he still has his priorities straight. The racism of the crowd was appalling and wasn’t really a shock. What do you expect when the national coach defends himself with the ludicrous “I have fed black people at my table”. Yeah? Above it or below?
18th November: Has anyone been throwing black cats at mirrors? Someone saw Rafa walking under ladders and chucking salt everywhere. Can anyone else explain the ludicrous luck we’re having at the moment? Baros is the latest casualty, pulling a hamstring during a World Cup qualifier. Just a guess, but before he left did Houllier buy all the Mason Sisters’ dolls and a dirty big packet of needles? “SHAME ON ROO” is the Echo’s front-page headline today. When he was being slammed by all and sundry for dealing with the Scum, all they could put on the front was his visit to a tattoo shop. And now he throws a black armband away, they’re going berserk. I wonder what’s happened since to change their attitude towards him? It’s a mystery.
19th November: Spanish racists must be reeling. Not only do they have to see players wearing slogans in a foreign language on their training kit, they are now being threatened with their side having to play their next competitive game behind closed doors. Everyone knows a home crowd is worth a goal start, and they’ll surely need that against, er, San Marino. Nothing on that t-shirt has rubbed off on Gary Neville, mind. “After the Turkey match we were singing a song – nothing like what happened on Wednesday – and FIFA talked about kicking us out of the World Cup”. The song was “I’d rather be a Paki than a Turk”. Nothing like what happened on Wednesday……… “there seems to be one rule for England and another for everyone else”. Quite.
20th November, am: “Baros is out, Cisse has a broken leg, Owen has gone. We will have to look at other players. It is a chance for Mellor and Sinama-Pongolle”.
20th November, pm: A chance for what, exactly? To watch Garcia/Kewell and see how it shouldn’t be done? MIDDLESBROUGH 2 L 0 saw the Smoggies get their offside revenge two-fold. We honestly never looked on a par with them, though. Hardly surprising, really. At the beginning of the season, we said “Gerrard and Alonso behind any two of Baros, Owen and Cisse” and licked our lips. Today, only Xabi was there to shoulder the burden and how it showed. Spare me the garbage about Schwarzer’s ‘miracle save’. If Kewell had thought more about scoring and less about tonsorial disarrangement it would have been buried. Odd how Zenden got the benefit of the doubt and Garcia didn’t. Everything is coming down Josemi’s side of the pitch, and while Carragher is playing out of his skin not even he can fill two positions at once.
22nd November: Rumour and innuendo are the order of the day. Anelka stories are gathering pace, while Chris B is getting tetchy. “If a die-hard Red has £70m burning his pocket, to assist one of the best coaches in Europe those at the top must do their duty to ensure it happens”. Quiet, will you? He’s still ‘thinking’. Sorry, I meant ‘considering his position’………
23rd November: Quiz time. “In terms of the general history of our club we should expect to win it the same number of times as the likes of Ajax, Bayern and Milan”. Question 1: who said this? Question 2: what is ‘it’? Question 3: which English club has won it the same number of times as the foreign clubs he mentioned (but has been mysteriously omitted from the list)? Question 4: which club does this lunatic manage? I’ll give you a clue for number 4: we’re obsessed with them.
23rd November: Very good analogy from Paul Joyce in the ‘Express’. Imagine Henry quits on the eve of the season, Reyes breaks his leg and Bergkamp has hamstring trouble. Vieira breaks a bone in his foot and takes two months off - then see where Arsenal are then. Thankfully, we don’t have a manager crying his eyes out every five minutes. Houllier would have got the violins out, but all Rafa can muster is “if you are too busy crying you are wasting time”. After MONACO 1 L 0 he’s entitled to a manly misting at least. When is it going to end? When Garcia rolled around in agony, I almost laughed. When Saviola practically picks up the ball and drop kicks it into the net, you expect it to be allowed. Of course it counts, it’s against Liverpool isn’t it? Then Josemi has his head split open. True, we weren’t exactly dismayed by that one but when the sum total of your ambitions in a match is to hope 8 players get off the pitch in one piece something has gone badly wrong. Josemi also didn’t deserve the regular bollocking from his so-called captain. We can’t all play the beautiful game like you, Stevie lad. You couldn’t trap a bag of cement all night, by the way. We were stitched up though and the attitude of the referee was scandalous. It takes a lot to make Benitez moan but everyone has their breaking point I suppose. It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for.
24th November: “Some of my best friends are black”. How many times have you heard that nugget? Now I’ve heard the best one yet. David Speedie speaks out of turn at a charidee function, only to hit back with the breathtaking “I’m not a racist, I’ve been in Dwight Yorke’s car”. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. “Ask John Barnes or Cyrille Regis if I’m racist” –so the Echo did. JB declined to comment, Regis was (ahem) “unavailable”.
24th November: The laughing referee has really got to Benitez. “It is important the referee has a clear conscience”. Larsen did admit he was wrong – by not giving Monaco a penalty later on. The secret, clearly, is not to be too blatant about such things.
24th November: The Echo has Howard Kendall in their 125 Merseyside Sporting Greats supplement. No argument from me, he’d deserve it just for his playing days alone – but do they have to peddle the same old shite? “Frustrated by the ban on clubs competing in Europe, he left for Bilbao”. And what ‘competing’ did he do at Bilbao? That’s right: sod all. Print the legend, and do not ever mention the following: Colin Harvey’s promotion, Barcelona job, doubled wages, Barnes Beardsley and Aldridge, alcohol etc.
26th November: Oh, good grief – how many more times? Front page of the Echo: SUMMIT OVER SHARED STADIUM. Turn to page 2: “Reds ‘not interested’ in a ground-share”. It’s the inverted commas that bowl you over. They seem utterly convinced that we’re being coy and that it’s all about the money, and (for once) I don’t think it is. Last line of the article? “Both parties agree it is unlikely to become reality”. Well worth a huge front-page headline, then?
27th November: Must we? Arsenal haven’t lost to Liverpool since Cardiff, so I hardly think we’re worthy of the tedious mind-games at present. “Chelsea get what they want sooner or later, so Gerrard’s decision to stay might only be a temporary one”. I’ll await Rafa’s comments on Henry – “why doesn’t he join a club with a real chance of winning even one European Cup?” – but I’ll be collecting a pension before I hear that. Why? A little thing called ‘class’. That’s why our man demolishes the ground-share idea in about 10 seconds flat. True, he didn’t use the words “squatters” “interfering government know-nowts” or “flea-ridden destitute tramps” – but you can’t have everything.
27th November: Diouf’s at it again. Right in the face of Portsmouth’s Andy De Zeeuw this time. Filthy little get. Even so, I’m still bemused by this macho “I’d rather be punched in the face” mentality that resurfaces. Maybe I’m overly sensitive, but there always seems to be a “never know what they have got do you?” element to all this. Give me a Kleenex and a quick wipe any day over having my jaw wired shut and sucking in luncheon through a tube up my arse……erm, I shouldn’t mention the words ‘Kleenex’ and ‘tube up my arse’ in the same sentence, should I?
28th November: Well, so much for mind games eh? L 2 ARSENAL 1 was an incredible day for us. It wasn’t just the victory, it was the fact that we thoroughly deserved it. We played really well at times, and when we didn’t we just dug in and scrapped for everything. Once again we fell victim to the one bit of true class they showed all afternoon. Mellor had done some fine, unselfish work even before the wonder-strike and hopefully shut a few people up in the process. Finnan stood up to Henry really well, aided by more selflessness (from Pongo this time). Gerrard was all over the place, and as for that opening goal……imagine Fergie after something like that, but Rafa just gave a super cool thumbs-up to the players. It feels great to be optimistic again!
29th November: Do one, will ya? “Everything goes against us”, says Wenger. Who said he was humourless? If he’d had to deal with a tenth of what Benitez has had to put up with (and we’ll draw a discreet veil over Vieira’s dive because we won fair and square 11 v 11, plus some of their players refusing to shake hands) I’d hate to see his reaction to it. All that said, it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever side with a xenophobic pig like Jeff Powell: “How pompous French legion spiked the Gunners”, indeed. Yeah, every Arsenal fan I know says the same thing: what have the French ever done for us, eh? 3 leagues, 2 cups, 2 Doubles, fantastic football, first or second for 7 consecutive seasons, constant Champions League qualification (the aqueduct? – ed) but apart from that……
30th November: And they don’t deserve the snidiness of Harry Harris, either. We do turn on success in this country, especially if it’s inspired by foreigners. Harry dips his toe slightly in the murky waters of Arsenal’s fitness. “They have been famed for their extra gear late on” nudge nudge “much of their formidable staying power is attributed to Yann Rougier’s legendary work in biochemistry” wink wink. I’d put it all down to a stirring hack but then think back to our games last season. Free week for us, tiring European game for them. Excellent first half for us, Arsenal looking daisy fresh after the break. Is Harris laying the ground for more than hints in future – or does he save all that for Steven Gerrard?
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