April 2005
By Steve Kelly
1st April: April Fool! As ever, the press have some delightfully fake stories in that wacky way that we all find so endearing. In the Express, they’ve got John Dillon pretending to be a man of integrity by writing “Liverpool has always been a football club of proper, serious and honourable values”. Ha ha! Nice one, John – almost had me going for a minute there. The Mail reports that Djibril is close to a comeback after his Ewood nightmare. There’s a photo of his leg bending at 45 degrees to make the hoax look more ridiculous – but the best is on the front of the Echo: “Moyes’ £30m for players”!!! At least they let the blues in on the joke inside the paper, with “12m of that is transfer money and the rest will be wages”. Because ! of differences in the Croatian calendar, watch out tomorrow as everyone pretends that Igor scored the winner.
2nd April: Rafa changes tack and decides to bait Bolton before today’s game. A bit of a letdown, but if you haven’t got a single fit striker to pick I suppose you’re entitled to clutch a few straws. Had to laugh at this story about players and the books they like. Kevin Nolan chose ‘It’ by Stephen King, which is about a malevolent clown – then Diouf turns up at Anfield in all his bling, pointedly supporting the away team in the directors’ box. Go figure. L 1 BOLTON 0 was an ugly mess, and Carson didn’t get the protection Rafa’s pre-match psychology was angling for. Who cares? It’s about time we got a win against the run of play, and it couldn’t have happened against a more unpleasant side.
3rd April: And Allardyce really is a buffoon of the utmost magnitude. “Having a go at little old Bolton because of what we’ve achieved” and “it shows I am becoming a better manager than they are” – how pathetic is that? I’m not happy about what Benitez said, but if he’d told it how it is (that Wanderers are Wimbledon without the finesse) I dread to think what Big (Mouth? Jowls? Ego?) Sam would have come up with. As for footballers’ books, what do Dyer and Bowyer read in the spare time they’re obviously going to get? Raging Bull? Fight Club? A Confederacy Of Dunces?
3rd April: In a generally moving piece on Heysel, the Observer prints an extraordinary conversation with Phil Neal where he appears to be haggling for a fee. Since he’s due to be part of tomorrow’s ceremonies, it’s made things a lot more awkward. Without defending Zico (since it’s indefensible) I’m not 100% convinced the hack didn’t want to make it awkward for us – which ruins the sentiments expressed in the rest of it.
4th April: Those horrible blues at it again, smoking pot getting pissed and abusing black people. The Echo ‘infiltrates’ a Barnes coach to Albion (another defeat by the way) and is shocked and appalled. Unfortunately for them Ian Ross does not offer a reason for this one. Of course, their Red equivalents would be too busy swapping crochet patterns and dipping into their pikanik baskets to indulge in such reprehensible behaviour. Everyone knows an away coach is your last resort if you can’t get a train or a lift. It’s hardly award-winning journalism to finally cotton onto the fact.
5th April: The hand of friendship and regret is extended to our Italian visitors, and while it wasn’t slapped away exactly it wasn’t grasped either. It was up to us to make the appropriate gestures. We’d have been slammed if we’d done nothing, so damned if you do etc etc. The Echo went way too far with its front page. I’m all for respect for the 39 and their poor families, but a line like “no if’s, no buts, no excuses” is a sweeping and casual dismissal of everything that went on during that awful night. L 2 JUVENTUS 1 was a great occasion, full of thrilling football and an atmosphere that can genuinely rank with the best Anfield nights. I don’t really want to rip into any players, but once again we’re on the edge ! because of our goalkeeper and that has to be the summer priority. What would you do with Garcia? Has there ever been a more bewildering player in red? Like Bayer, they did deserve something for their efforts but it’s made things a lot more difficult. We never expected to get this far, so at least if it ends it’s on an incredible high.
6th April: The Mail has to apologise to a Liverpool fan who was battered in Brussels 20 years ago. Their photo caption made it sound like he was revelling in his ‘war wounds’, whereas he’d actually done his best to save lives and still ended up with a severe beating. The paper describes this as “mistakenly attacked”, perpetuating the myth that Juventus fans only ever act violently out of righteous anger. I’ve called the Mail many things, but never thought the word “naïve” would crop up.
7th April: The usual drama at the Bridge, involving woolly hats and espionage equipment or something. I wasn’t really paying attention, just the name Chels-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. So much for Ken Bates and his MU of the South claim – they got the cash, and now they clearly want the siege mentality to go with it.
7th April: Owen’s diplomacy in rejecting Geordie advances (“we’ll throw in a free gum shield”) is admirable, but the subject of an Anfield return has popped up. “I have no bitterness at all towards Liverpool”. Is that a fact? For a midget, that’s mighty big of you.
9th April: But then some men are just small no matter how tall or wide they are. Sir Alex (hey, remember him?) is really bitter about C****** now, and is giving all the credit for their season to, erm, beating United on day one. “They got their confidence from that”. Riiiight – because The Special One was a shrinking violet before that, wasn’t he? Anyway, he’s claiming that MU are not 13 points worse that C****** - and they go down to Carrow Road and prove precisely that. It’s more like 20.
9th April: Twenty? Ohhh, I’d consider it a luxureh t’ be 20 points behind them (that’s enough Python – ed). MANCHESTER CITY 1 L 0 was as dreary as they come. I was in the bar after 30 minutes, and my only regret is that I couldn’t stay there. Dreadful stuff. Tired, unmotivated, disorganised, blame what you like. Our away form in England is awful, and threatens to undo all the good and warmth that Benitez has generated thus far……using his surname now, you can tell I’m miffed! “Our challenge remains getting in the top four”! – funny way of showing it, Rafa lad.
10th April: The gap’s back to four points, and Moyes is back to his bilious worst. “The Champions League would be good for Everton and would severely dent another team”. Those Who Shall Be Nameless! Thanks for implicitly writing off our chances on Wednesday by the way.
11th April: Which are sky-high of course after today’s news on Gerrard. As “an unnamed Premiership boss” has allegedly blabbed that his move south is a done deal, you’d like to think the other lads will pull together without the circus in tow – but it’s a bad break for us and there’s no denying it.
12th April: “Why I don’t think I’ll be wrong this time” is the Post headline for Mark Lawrenson’s prediction. “I used my head instead of my heart last time and was delighted to be proved wrong”. To quote my favourite movie, Miller’s Crossing: what heart? Andy Townsend also tips Juventus to win easily. I’m feeling better already.
13th April: Magnificent. Absolutely magnificent. I’m as proud of my team as I’ve ever been. In the glory years we had the quality to make nights like this boring in their regularity and their result an inevitability. Not so now, ‘cos this was just sheer guts. JUVENTUS 0 LIVERPOOL 0 (aggregate 2-1). How sweet do those words look right now? A fantastic night, with every player giving their all. The pub I was in stood to a man as Djibril Cisse waited on the touchline. Xabi Alonso had already taken the breath away with a passionate but controlled performance. Never has the term ‘one man team’ been so totally, utterly fraudulent as tonight. Igor, you fucking star! Carragher and Hyypia, each a Colossus. The 3,000 daft/brave/stu! pid souls who went out there, into the lions’ den, I salute you. You are the cream. I had a tear in my eye tonight, I’m welling up now in fact. Though your dreams be tossed and blown? In 2004 and 2005, that has been a massive understatement. The first leg would have done for me, but this……this…… I can’t go on, I need a minute.
14th April: No, still walking on cloud 9. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, will stop this insanely happy feeling.
15th April: Rest in peace…………
15th April: Carra lad, it’s quite simple: the next time someone shoehorns in a question about Steven Gerrard’s future, no matter how irrelevant - just gob them, will ya? To come off the field after a gargantuan performance against Juve and be greeted with such prattle is bad enough, but even a stark no-nonsense declaration like “I don’t feel this victory is about him, it’s about Liverpool Football Club” days later is simply bypassed via sneaky We’ll get Gerrard to stay headlines. I know today isn’t the time to think about such trivialities, but it’s getting on my nerves now.
16th April: There’s talk of Liverpool winning the European Cup because there’s a new Pope, Ken and Deirdre are getting married and so is Prince Charles – just like in 1981. Just one small setback there, of course: we also finished fifth in the league, but for the sake of a triumph in Turkey I’ll happily ignore the blues’ “massive achievement”. Any chance of Josef K and the Fire Engines reforming while we’re at it?
16th April: Good grief. I don’t expect UEFA to take the Italians to task for their behaviour, but are they really going to fine us because a few fans threw objects back? Weren’t we, in the spirit of self-flagellation initiated by the (ahem) ‘Liverpool’ Echo, just saying “here y’are, have another go – you missed me that time”? It doesn’t quite match up to the fine in 2001 for our refusal to thank Roma fans for the free buttock nip/tuck service they selflessly provided (well, to those Reds who were not in groups of anything larger than three obviously) but it’s pretty close.
16th April: RAFA TURNS REDS TO GOLD? Sod off, you cheeky two-faced prick. Derek McGovern’s weasel-like attempt to get back into the fold fails miserably. “Isn’t it taking coincidence too far to believe Bayer and Juve happened to save their four worst displays for Liverpool?” Isn’t it a bit insulting to suggest this a month after saying Bayer were the worst side you’d ever seen and we’d have forgotten all about it?
16th April: Back to normal, then. L 2 SPURS 2 should have been a cricket score, but whatever magic dust is sprinkled over the European games is only notable by its absence back home. Edman will never hit a ball like that ever again, and as long as Rafa keeps picking Pellegrino our defence is vulnerable. Gerrard can’t take penalties, and the arrogance is beginning to piss people off now. Still, none of your friends in the press will ever point it out so why change? Morientes has lost his way after a bright start. Garcia may be annoying, but at least he scores occasionally. 2 points today, 3 last week – why not buy some wrapping paper and nice pink bows and give 4th place to Everton now?
17thApril: Gerrardpool? You’d better believe it. The People stats gave him 8/10, while the imperious Alonso only got 7. It’s scandalous, it really is. Maybe it’s not the captain’s fault, but he says or does little to discourage it. Mind you, he’s got hacks round his cock like flies on sherbet so why would he?
18th April: He may be getting slightly jealous though because, to paraphrase Ricky Lee Jones, Chris B’s in love. “The Kop can console itself in the knowledge the most exciting signing since 1977 will put matters right in the seasons ahead”. Whoa there, horsy. The greatest midfield general of all time won 12 trophies with Liverpool, seven as captain. I’d let Xabi win one cup before I started comparing and contrasting with Souness (or Barnes and Beardsley for that matter).
19th April: You can call him a good sport if you like, but Lawrenson just looks idiotic in this morning’s Post, with his Red Rum gnashers sinking into a big Humble Pie. Geddit? What was for dessert? A Mysidesav Split? Bandwagon for Anfield, leaving soon – all aboard! What the likes of McGovern and Lawro don’t appreciate is that experts are supposed to know their stuff – not watch games and change tack accordingly. The rest of us could do that and at half the price.
19th April: What a glorious time it is to be a blue, and no mistake. I’ll not have any of you bitter, twisted reprobates saying otherwise. The Echo is reporting that Leeds (yes, that Leeds) are about to offer improved wages to Weir and Naysmith if they leave Everton in the summer. Nothing but the best. Better get Stubbsy signed up, then: I hear Total Network Solutions are making inquiries………
20th April: Nice to have a dream. Up to now, it’s only been a saying – “he’ll drown in his own bitterness” – but it looks as if Len Capeling may actually achieve it this year. We all know our league form is poor, but the old fossil is desperate to extinguish any feel-good factor from Europe as well. “A 1-1 at Chelsea, a 0-0 at Anfield and a shoot-out in Istanbul would deliver the silverware – so would immediate suspension from the competition of Chelsea, PSV and Milan”. Leave the fantasies till next season, when your own spawny, cheap, clogging route-one stockpile of cack tries to emulate what we’ve done. Still, I suppose you’ll always have Heysel on standby.
20th April: Tired of saying it, but if we could only start every game like PORTSMOUTH 1 L 2 our points tally would be a whole lot better. It was the same at Charlton, so maybe there’s some kind of daytime allergy going around. I know Igor has something of the night about him, but this is ridiculous. Like the derby this should never have been as close as it was, with Riise and Morientes the main culprits. All to no avail anyway, as Everton beat the Mancs for the first time in 10 years. Hmmmm. The reckless behaviour of Neville and Scholes did make me think dark thoughts, but Exlax’s touchline rant to Moyes put paid to any suggestion of collusion. I thought Gollum’s eyeballs were going to pop out of his head, but then he always loo! ks like that. How many points has Duncan won for them now? Sadly, it looks like they will make the difference. His namesake had no words of consolation for his inbred right back: “you can’t do that nowadays”. Nowadays? You mean there was a time when you could throw the ball at supporters? The good old days, eh? Okay, they’re only Evertonians but even so……
22nd April: How does that song go? “And if yer know yer” something or other? Someone really should teach it to Lee Carsley: “it has been one of the greatest nights in Goodison history”. We shouldn’t really be dissing their 100 years of top flight football, especially when they do such a good job of it themselves - but a 1-0 home win that might earn you fourth spot isn’t all that great y’know? Beggars, choosers etc. If they do get fourth, I dread to think what’s going to happen.
22nd April: Better late than never, but Rafa’s finally going to do something about the fitness levels at the club. He wasn’t too impressed when he first came here apparently, but having witnessed treatment room scenes that almost got Florence Nightingale out of retirement he now wants everyone back for training on June 27th – and a big suction pump for Kewell. Meanwhile, the blues at the Echo are taking our CL exploits a little more seriously than they were in February. So much so that Prentice wants UEFA to give Everton preferential treatment, “citing the special circumstances of their unfair exclusion from Europe in 1985 and 1987”. I do love a good Bill Hicks paraphrase: You are not special……oh, oh, don’t get me wrong – I know you ‘think’ you’re special. I’m just here to tell you YOU’RE NOT. He really thinks UEFA are going to admit they were wrong, especially in the light of England curing its hooligan problem? Go and read a ‘book’ called Scally before you paint blues as innocents, softarse. Just for the record, here are some of the clubs denied European football by the ban: United, Arsenal, QPR, Spurs, Norwich, Coventry, Forest, Derby, Southampton, Wimbledon, QPR, Chelsea, Luton, Sheffield Wednesday, West Ham and Crystal Palace. Oh, and of course Everton - the special ones………
23rd April: All the sub editors are in a quandary today as they prepare their headlines. Rafa wants to buy Villareal’s goalkeeper, so expect all kinds of ‘Reina In Spain’ headlines. They, on the other hand, want to replace him with Dudu Awat. Can’t we have him instead? Puns-a-plenty in that one! Everton meanwhile persist in this “30m on new players” shite, but aren’t quite so forthcoming on the fact that TEN players may need to be replaced. Emile does us a big favour up at Goodison, but what’s the point? CRYSTAL PALACE 1 L 0 is a performance we’ve seen far too often this season, and the starkest admission yet that we are only ! turning up for the Champions League games now. They wanted it more, which was reflected in a physical approach that bordered on assault, but if you pick Pellegrino Welsh Le Tallec and Potter your priorities are blatantly obvious. Gallagher was a cowardly homer as always, but Rafa’s seen enough of them already to know the score in England.
24th April: Just to confirm yesterday’s suspicions, the foul count was Palace 19 Liverpool 14. The card count was 2-5. The stitches for Baros smacked of retribution for November’s hat trick, but it’s hard to get all that annoyed when your own team lies down so readily.
25th April: And it’s beginning to look as if winning the European Cup won’t guarantee our place anyway. UEFA being the army of bureaucrats that it is, the papers can always find someone with a jazzy title and a snappy quote. Maybe they can find the people who saw Real qualify in 2000 despite coming 5th in Spain, and still failed to implement the required clarification of the rules. Or maybe the hacks are too busy writing down Demento’s latest verbal equivalent of a Rorschach Test. Refs are out to get them, apparently. “I’m not sure if they’re instructed but it’s sinister to me” says the addled red-faced lunatic. Mike Riley was, as ever, unavailable for a penalty (comment, surely? – ed).
25th April: When you’re right you’re right, but there’s a time and a place. Hyypia’s rant about Saturday – “they wanted it more than us, I don’t think enough of us were up for it” – was probably echoed on many a coach and train home, but here’s the thing: he also says “I was on the pitch, I saw what happened out there” which makes it sound like he was an impartial observer for the UN. Intervention would have come way too late for Baros, in any case. Could Sami be involved in a smokescreen here? Turning on his team mates to make it look like we’re divided? Not that we need to talk down our chances, they’re already by our bootlaces. One hack from the Evening Standard was on Sky Sports talking about the 4/5 places UEFA row and said! (I kid you not) “if by some miracle Liverpool beat Chelsea they’ve still got to win the final”………by some miracle??? Did I dream that daylight robbery on New Year’s Day, or the cup final that was only saved by the most outlandish goal of the season? I just hope that’s what The Thunderbird Puppet is thinking. The wooden expression and just the bottom lip moving – Mourinho is Scott Tracy! And Peter Kenyon is The Hood……
26th April: Xabi is well up for his rematch with Fat Frank, judging by this morning’s quote: “when he does get hold of the ball I will make life as uncomfortable as I possibly can for him” – so you won’t be taking him any grapes, then? – “if we don’t do that, we know he can hurt us”……it’s called irony. It’s getting a bit messy across the park, as Wyness claims Moyes wouldn’t have lasted five minutes if it had been up to Paul Gregg. Kenwright’s nemesis wanted O’Neill by all accounts, which shows he has a good sense of humour and the required over-inflated view of their importance. Sounds better qualified for the job than the luvvie, frankly. The Echo writes “Paul Gregg was unavailable for comment”. I’ll bet. They’re probably savi! ng the photo of him shagging Dunc’s pigeons for tomorrow.
27th April: A Special One needs a special club, and Jose clearly thinks so. “We give opposing fans the best seats in the stadium”. As if that wasn’t funny enough (only Moyes could have topped it) he continues “they’re behind me, they can almost touch me”. Riiiiight. Do you supply surgical gloves as well? “The reaction is always bad, always negative” – you ain’t heard nothing yet, Shushboy.
27th April: Kenny backing Everton over Liverpool in the final CL place row is bad enough, but doing it in the ‘Mail’ is even worse. “You may be surprised to hear this from a former Liverpool player”. Sadly, nothing surprises me any more. Dalglish wouldn’t deal with the Sun unless they printed “WE LIED” on its front page, but still takes the money of a paper that has never gone back on its odious views on Hillsborough.
27th April: Not that we’re a one-man team or anything, but this morning’s coverage was farcical. According to the Express Gerrard was going to be The Exorcist while the Mail had him down as The Avenger. Well, he is a bit of a Gareth Hunt. CHELSEA 0 L 0 saw another valiant effort from the ten in red, but it came at a price. What Gudjohnsen did to Alonso was despicable, but we can only blame a referee who simply wasn’t interested in a level playing field. I must sound like Ferguson here, but do you get the impression UEFA simply want to avoid an awkward decision? It was pretty humdrum stuff, but it was the away leg of a semi final. Am I bothered? Am I? Am I bothered? etc. Baros came close, but Cech showed why they’ve come so far t! his year. Of course Shushboy thinks he’s the number one hot shot responsible for it all, but with 100m spent he could leave tomorrow and another ten could take his place – and keep their big fat gobs shut at the same time. “99.99% of Liverpool fans are now sure they are going through”. Is that really the best you can do?
28th April: Move over Gerry Byrne. It seems the captain was his less than inspirational self last night because of toothache. “The anaesthetic and the antibiotics would have taken their toll” which in a normal paper would have set up the obvious question “so why was he playing then?” It’s not like we didn’t manage in Turin, but then the Echo isn’t a normal paper. Gerrard, for no apparent reason, is given a ‘clock watch’ of his own underneath the players’ ratings. The fact that there’s no mention of him touching the ball between 6-25 and 67-85 minutes (40% of the match!) makes me think he wasn’t actually worthy of this accolade, while Carragher throws himself into tackle after tackle despite walking a disciplinary tightrope. I do! n’t suppose he needs protection though, since no-one’s muttering about his commitment to the cause. There’s a good reason for that obvously, but don’t expect to see it mentioned in the press.
29th April: But Stevie obviously did too much for Chelsea’s liking, because the shit stirring starts in earnest. Why Jose won’t lay out £30m on Gerrard is the “ooo, what a coincidence” headline this morning. The lad himself has lost little of his sense of humour - “we know what role the fans can play and hopefully they can be that twelfth man” – though obviously his arithmetic needs a little work. Gudjohnsen is smarming for all he’s worth, to no avail round these here parts. “I would never try to get a fellow professional sent o! ff”. Fuck off you horrible troglodyte twat ………sorry, were you expecting a joke then? Sorry, fresh out. If someone breaks his neck next Tuesday, you can watch me laugh then.
30th April: Wenger really has turned into a snide on the quiet. Not that it’s any of his business, but siding with Everton in the current row really does smack of jealousy and self-interest. Who does he fear getting more money and prestige – us or the blue boys? No contest. “If the European Cup was an indication of the quality of a team, why aren’t Monaco and Porto still in it?” Jesus, no wonder he’s siding with Everton. Have you ever heard anything so bitter?
30th April: In the morning papers Rafa was bigging up today’s game as vitally important. L 1 MIDDLESBROUGH 1, without actually being poor, wasn’t really an indication that he was sincere. Pellegrino has been an embarrassment and was strolled past again, this time by a complete no-mark. Gerrard almost took the net off the Kop goal, and with Everton losing 2-0 it was all set up for a great comeback. It didn’t materialise, and the semi final loomed large in most minds. We’re like a stuck record: how does a team that creates so many chances score 1 goal, while the opposition do virtually nothing and get the same tally? An undignified scramble for fourth is now likely to have an even more unseemly denouement. It’s not going to be pre! tty either, but then they never were.
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