November 2005
By Steve Kelly
1st November: We know who will replace Alan Sugar on ‘The Apprentice’. It’s Roy Keane, soon to be former captain of Man U, after going on MUTV and blasting everyone in sight. Normally Demento turns a blind eye to his rotweiller’s psychotic episodes but this one has been deemed unsuitable for public consumption. Given that he’s been allowed to cripple and maim all and sundry, one can only assume the pet’s bitten the owner and that’ll mean one thing: a trip to the vet for a quick jab of slumber juice.
1st November am: Opinion on Luis Garcia is, it’s fair to say, divided. One minute he’s sublime, the next he’s got you tearing your hair out. Rafa’s obviously known him for a while and Pako must have known him as a kid. On the subject of where and when to try his little “tricks”, Garcia says Rafa “started telling me this at Tenerife and he is still telling me now”. So we’re, what, 5 years on and the message still isn’t getting through? That’s one seriously dense individual. Good job you’re not a Frenchman with a funny haircut, or you’d be checking the SitVac columns by now.
1st November pm: Oh bloody hell, you know what? Do whatever you like! That was a fabulous header. L 3 ANDERLECHT 0 was comfortable enough, good football and disciplined defending. You’ve got to feel for Crouch. He has to watch a classy goal from Morientes, then he’s replaced by Cisse who also scores (but he’s still rubbish obviously). The TV camera zoomed in on Peter’s face, showing that even when we’re winning the media merely want to stir it up and find something bad to say about us. I can’t understand the cheers for the Chelsea defeat because that’s just given Betis a chance to qualify, which we could have done without. Horrible cockney bastards, you’d be forgiven for thinking they were doing it on purpose.
2nd November: Jestrovic’s red card last night was for racial abuse. It looked a weird one at the time, so well done the referee for taking the necessary action. The game was over as a contest anyway, but the current Eastern Europe attitude to black players has got to be addressed. That sounds like a bigoted view in its own right of course but you can’t gloss over the number of such incidents the Balkan crowds and even players get involved in (like that horrible vermin who played for Lazio, his spiritual home).
2nd November: Mourinho is now claiming his “voyeur” dig at Wenger was not meant in any sexual way and was certainly never in no way nosiree a reference to those old paedo rumours the Arsenal boss has to contend with - and which United fans sing about gleefully without a single word of press criticism. Chelsea really are scraping through the bottom of the barrel now and are clawing their way through the dirt – literally. Yet compare that to the almost sycophantic tone he adopts for Ferguson. You read articles about the Chavs wanting to be THE London team (even considering calling themselves London Chelsea) and you just wonder if the gloves are coming off with Arsenal for that reason alone………or they’re both just brats whose tedious ‘mind games’ are a dreadful contradiction in terms. I can’t decide which.
2nd November: “Unfortunately I now have serious doubts that the big fella will ever prove his doubters wrong”. Now usually a quote like that from Tommy Smith would cause a stampede towards the nearest bookie, begging to take any bet on Crouch scoring with his very next touch – BUT I’m beginning to feel the same way myself. It’s great that people are being supportive as “you’ll never walk alone” isn’t just something you pick up and put down when it suits, but it’s daft to keep suggesting that he’s playing well and it’s ‘just’ the goals that are missing. It’s making us look a bit simple to be honest.
3rd November: Fabulous ‘Photo Shop’ work in this morning’s Express, with a picture of Les Dawson’s drag alt-egos Cissy and Ada with Wenger and Mourinho’s faces superimposed. The Special One’s expression even has that gummy pouting thing going on, which makes it doubly funny. There’s now talk of legal action from Wenger and Mourinho having a 120-page file of Wenger quotes. Mark Chapman didn’t even have that one of those on John Lennon. These people have two of the biggest jobs in the country and you’re still left wondering how they’re allowed out where there’s cutlery.
3rd November: I do hope Rafa will not be hailed a tactical genius for finally realising we needed to play two strikers. Gerrard has bitten the bullet and played out wide, which allows two forwards and Sissoko to play at the same time. It was hardly rocket science, especially with Garcia now out on the left. We’ve got a midfield with creativity, steel and goals, plus Crouch isn’t isolated. Anderlecht and West Ham may have been pretty poor opposition but at least we were making them look poor. A couple of months back we could not beat Birmingham and everyone is winning there now.
3rd November: The Blue Pravda has been struggling of late but comes up trumps with a huge back page headline: BIGGEST PROFIT IN EVERTON HISTORY? And the next words from Sir Bill’s salivating lips? “Senor Laporta? Buenos dias. Err, howa mucha fora Ronaldinhoa”, you might be forgiven for thinking. Until you turn the page and there it is, in slightly smaller writing, “of course that figure includes the transfers of Wayne Rooney and Thomas Gravesen”. Ah ha. There’s nothing about the bank’s cut either. Is there a line in Citizen Kenwright (Kane, shurely? – ed) that goes “if the headline is big enough it makes the news big enough”? It’s nice to see our local boys moving away from such tawdry yellow journalism.
5th November: The urban myth about Kewell being booed off in Istanbul doesn’t look like it’ll vanish any time soon. I could have sworn it was discontent with Rafa’s decision to put another midfield player on when we were already a goal down to Milan, but without taking a straw poll of those fans who booed either a Liverpool manager or a Liverpool player 20 minutes into a European Cup final (I don’t speak Moron in any case) we’ll never know for sure will we. Rafa’s learning anyway, because he was quite complimentary to Baros before ASTON VILLA 0 L 2. The lad himself has taken his move with a shrug so hopefully it’ll turn out to be good news all round. He certainly caused little threat today. His so-called replacement (they’re two totally different players as Benitez keeps pointing out) had a big impact on the game, causing enough trouble to win a penalty and enough uncertainty to help Alonso blast in a (pretty much) deserved second. Crouch needs work on his aerial threat though. That may seem ludicrous, but just because he’s 9 foot 15 doesn’t mean he will automatically get to every cross. He seems to end up behind the defender all the time, and placement isn’t a strongpoint either. It’s nitpicking in any case, as we’ve got three points and three wins on the trot. You’d have grabbed that with both hands this time last week.
6th November: Sunday follows Saturday night, and thus an O’Leary whine follows a defeat. “I’ve got to be careful with what I say” is swiftly followed by “It was a terrible decision, the referee cost us the game end of story, his decision making throughout the game was funny”. Which makes you wonder what he would say if he wasn’t being careful. “I’ve got to be careful because if I call the referee a cheating, know-nothing tit who should be buried under ten feet of quicklime then people might start to think I was bringing the game into disrepute” – does that kind of thing still work these days? Mind games are hugely overrated, as Mourinho soon finds out. “If I lost 3 games in a row I’d be fired” – which fazes United so much they go out and beat Chelsea 1-0. That’s their second defeat in a row. One can only hope he’s right.
7th November: Nice words from Graham Taylor about Crouch. “He has to put up with an adjective always in front of his name, it will never be ‘Peter Crouch did well’ but ‘Beanpole Crouch’ – so just ignore it, pal” was one of numerous favourable comments from a fella who’s had his own flak to deal with, but he did seem to imply that PC loses confidence very quickly. He should take consolation in the fact that things could be worse. “One day the term ‘composed finish’ may appear in close proximity to Cisse’s name. Not this week” – so what about Anderlecht? Oh right, you didn’t do that report so it doesn’t count? Nothing but encouragement for Crouch after his (ahem) “composed finish”. The hypocrisy stinks. Of course you can dump on Liverpool fans from a great height and cause weeks of transfer unease and write off our chances (despite wearing the armband) before the Leverkusen game if you’re in the good books. “That’s the skipper’s tenth goal of a season sure to end with him leading the club’s goal scoring chart”. Actually, he’s got less than Cisse unless 5 goals against TNS count and two goals in the Super Cup don’t – and I wouldn’t put that past Basco in his current ugly mood.
8th November: I salute the Post’s sarcastic sub editors after their “Lengthy ban for Sissoko abuser” headline. You know you’re in the presence of satirical genius because there are no inverted commas around ‘lengthy’, letting the stupid people think the Daily Bluenose really believes 3 European games (two of which take place in a dead group) is a fitting punishment for racial abuse. Thank the lord for the Daily Post and their impartial football coverage.
8th November: “Despite his obvious weaknesses I’d still stick with Cisse because he at least looks like scoring more often than the other strikers and he runs past defenders which stretches the play and creates more space”. Can’t believe I’m quoting Mark Lawrenson in support of my own views. So it’s come to this. As Len Capeling calls him the “French fumbler” and insists that Liverpool need a “15 goal a season man” in January, some other journalists might care to muse upon that old line about “strange bedfellows” like I’m doing now. 9th November: Let’s get the disappointment out of the way first. Robert Kraft has nothing to do with cheese – well, not yet he isn’t – so bang goes a desk full of “you English are so clever” jokes. A headline like “Liverpool look for their own Glazer” is both mean and misleading, but it does seem like Parry’s doing a bit of panhandling as they say in the good old U S of Stateside. He went to watch a gridiron game where Kraft’s team lost 40-21 in the Gillette Stadium. Boy, are my cockles burning.
10th November: What do we call this now? Height-ism? There’s a training ground photo of Crouch waving his arm for a pass and the Mail heading is “Hey boss I used to do this when I scored”. How hilarious. I’ve also got a picture of Adolf Hitler saluting the masses at Nuremberg. Caption reads “don’t buy the Daily Mail, it’s fascist tripe”. Inside the ‘paper’ there’s a snippet about Cisse not kissing teammates any more because of the reaction in the dressing room. Was it something like “do that again and you’ll be picking broken teeth out of your arse”? Ah, you can take the boy out of Bootle………
11th November: A few slight anomalies with the new LFC version of Monopoly. Apparently players replace streets and Kewell’s worth more than Gerrard. Is this the game where you buy a load of houses and then just leave them to rot?
11th November: Unlike the Everton version where you keep taking money from the banker and never give it back. That £5m spent on Kroldrup already looks like a rock-solid investment. According to the Echo he has to wait his turn because Yobo and Weir’s “form” (!!) is keeping him out. “It is a scenario that Kroldrup could not have envisaged” – well you wouldn’t, would you?
12th November: 80 days and still going strong. That retirement home in Treorchy is already booked. “Collina explains reasons for disallowing goal” takes the back page of the Post. He has “gone down in Goodison infamy” by all accounts. Where’s Kenneth Williams when you need him?
12th November: Supersub strikes again. Okay, he didn’t do much when he came on but Crouch helped turn a 1-2 deficit into a 3-2 for England against Argentina. Whether scoring the winner against ‘The Enemy’ (if you’re utterly sad) would have changed the current mindset is debatable – and immaterial since Owen nipped ahead of him and took it away. Just like that penguin in ‘The Wrong Trousers’, evil little black and white striped bastard. The penguin I mean, not……erm………Well done to Luis Garcia for his excellent hat trick for Spain, and nice to see Vladi still doing well for the Czechs. Am I the only person who does the Smicer face whenever they watch that goal? You do the arms out thing, too? We’re not normal, y’know!
13th November: Nearly every newspaper gives Owen 9/10. What, just for scoring goals and doing nothing else? It’s a shame The Welsh Mick Quinn doesn’t play for Liverpool isn’t it?
14th November: “Gerrard happy with roving role if it helps England”, claims the Post. “The team is more important than me”, says the happy wanderer. All well and good, but there’s been an eerie silence since Rafa asked him to do likewise for the Reds and he spent most of the Villa game in the centre anyway. Mind you, he has to be careful with nobheads like Jeff Powell around. He’s kicking off because the players are on 300k bonuses if they win the World Cup. The fact that the FA could make millions out of such an unlikely outcome cuts no ice with Jeff, who calls it an abomination “during Remembrance Week”. What the hell has that got to do with anything? Footballers may be greedy sods but to try and paint them as disrespectful to our war dead is beyond the pale even for that nutcase.
14th November: “All I can say about Liverpool is that it is a great brand and it’s something our family respects a lot”. Hard to squeeze the words ‘brand’ and ‘respect’ into the same sentence, but Robert Kraft managed it somehow. If he calls us “soccer nuts” and asks to meet Sir Bobby, I will set fire to his head.
15th November: Pray silence please for that champion of free speech, Lord Harold of Kewellshire. “People can say what they like about me” – er, except that Gary Lineker obviously.
15th November: One doesn’t wish to alarm the bluenoses unduly of course, but “Hands off our boss, Everton tell Rangers” is the kind of ‘once a blue always a blue’ headline that you just know will end in tears. Come to think of it, I’m not sure which set of bluenoses will be in tears.
16th November: Are the papers playing their own version of six degrees of separation? Steven Gerrard shows arse in training = Peter Crouch is rubbish. The Express prints “Gerrard tries cheeky ploy to end goal misery” and the ‘Mirror’ is even worse. I half expect to flick on News At Ten and hear “BONG! Iraq hostages freed at last – ask if Peter Crouch has scored yet” – a-ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Meanwhile, the Echo trawls the depths with “DEATH ROAD SPEED SHAME OF REDS STAR”. Yes, it was bad of Finnan to drive (not particularly) quickly where he’s already been involved in tragedy, but there’s a small headline alongside it: ‘Anthony Walker Guilty verdict’ – which I suggest is a bigger story. The Echo knew it too because they changed later editions to reflect the importance of one story and the relative inconsequentiality of the other. Why? Was Paul Taylor a bit guiltier than he’d been hours before? Bitter tosspots.
17th November: Parry makes a fair point about investment or the lack of it. “We’re not talking about a quick fix but about securing the future of the club and taking us to the next level”. Obviously we can’t just rush into something like this, but the idea was first suggested at least 18 months ago and we’re still no closer to sorting it out. Stevie Nicol goes all Mandy Rice Davies on us and says, “having the Kraft family involved in your club can only be good news”. Since he manages Kraft’s sarker team, he would wouldn’t he?
18th November: Clear a space everyone: “I’ll dive into the Kop when I finally score” says Crouchie in this morning’s Mirror. He’ll have a bloody long run from Stanley Park, won’t he………….sorry sorry sorry, but yervgorralafforyerdcrywoodenyer? Speaking of laughter (which we weren’t, clearly) I was joking about Roy Keane’s United career ending, but blow me if they’ve only gone and kicked him out. Knowing the Cork Crackpot’s propensity for violent retribution, Ferguson had better order some very thick shin pads and a crash helmet.
19th November: Class, sheer class. “Titanic test could decide whether Perrin goes down with sinking ship”. Hats off to the Daily Post, shame you have to wait 50 years to use “Liverpool crush Juventus” eh? Rafa is asking Crouch to get nasty. He’s such a nice lad that even the Mirror resists the obvious “Turning Ugly” gag. He must have been fuming during L 3 PORTSMOUTH 0 though. He still can’t score against such abject opposition, even from the penalty spot, while Cisse is bunged onto the wing (again) and still scores with a complete fluke. Fans are still getting behind him, but if Zenden hadn’t followed in to score the first goal it might have got a bit edgy. Not that we weren’t ever going to score of course. Pompey were abysmal and Reggie surely can’t last much longer. If you see a pile of clothes on a Hampshire beach……
19th November: “International break cost us momentum: Irvine hoping Everton can pick up where they left off”. This is the Post’s headline before West Brom 4 Everton 0. Mission accomplished, I’d say!
20th November: Look, stick up for a player in a time of crisis. That’s no problem, but I and the other Kopites are not going to take the blame for that penalty miss. “The way people were cheering when he ran up may not have helped”. Rafa, if you don’t want people to treat PC like a figure of fun you’re going the wrong way about it. Trying to excuse a footballer’s failure because of crowd noise?!? I really have heard everything now. La Gaffer redeems himself by reading up on Shankly. “Then I saw Ron Yeats and was able to ask him about some of the things I’d been reading about”. “There is always the chance to speak to people who know about the tradition of the club”. Of course he may go all ‘Gallic’ on us if they ever start criticising him, but it’s good to know he’s trying to create some kindred spirit with our former heroes. Shame he never did a Shanks and invite the press to take a walk around Crouch when he signed! There’ll never be another like that man, ever.
20th November: Internet tip-off about a BIG Rooney story breaking in the Mirror this morning. “ROONEY CHEATS AGAIN!” screams the front page. Hmm, looks good. “He kissed me and groped my bum” ………yes, go on………… what, that’s it? Jesus Christ. Scandal ain’t what it used to be, she even had all her own teeth for God’s sake. That paper is inhabited by loons, though. Check the match-ratings: Liverpool’s players got lower marks for a 3-0 win than Everton’s got for a 4-0 defeat! Yes, it was the same whopper who gave Garcia 4/10 after West Ham. He did give ’nando 8 this time. Probably a typo.
21st November: Len Capeling is senile, it’s official. He’s so far gone now that he’s even getting the two local teams confused. “With the derby match just a month away, maybe Crouch is saving himself for local hero status”. Len, Len, Len – it’s Everton players who can wipe away months of incompetence by one good performance in a derby. Sad, isn’t it? Poor old bastard.
22nd November: I usually couldn’t care less what happens to Mancs, but this threat of an away fan ban stinks. We stand up at virtually every away game too, it isn’t just United – and just because one of their sicko’s molested a Charlton steward it doesn’t mean they have a right to ban the 4,000 who behaved themselves. And I could do without the Express’ pit-bull pleb Mick Dennis having a go. “The United militants say it’s better to sing standing, well here’s a chant for you: sit down, shut up”. Charming. That’s the kind of drivel that could only come from someone who rarely has to pay to get in. So much for the customer being right.
23rd November: “Betis have never played at Anfield before, trust me they’re in for a shock”. So are you, Stevie lad. This is a weird one, because generally we only get The Anfield Atmosphere when we’re up against it, when we’re losing the tie or we know the opposition are quality. L 0 REAL BETIS 0 got us through but not without a bit of nail-biting at the end. True they didn’t do very much to threaten, but any fluke would have done after we scorned numerous chances. Gerrard was the worst, but he wouldn’t have got the headlines had we lost. We’re starting to watch Crouch through our fingers now, and Rafa’s overcompensation isn’t helping. “He was man of the match” – no he wasn’t, Carra or the imperious Hyypia (back to his very best) ensured that Reina had a pretty comfortable night. At least we’re through without having to break sweat at Chelsea. The thought of going there and needing a result filled me with dread to be honest.
24th November: Money worries for our rivals. United lose the Vodafone sponsorship as they ponder the possibility of a Champions League tie with Rapid Exit. The Blues’ AGM sounds like it was a barrel of laughs: Fortress Fund, Villareal ticketing, no flight to Bucharest, stadium plans, season ticket moves – all are seemingly followed by the words “Wyness came under fire”! Teflon Bill of course emerges without a scratch. How does he do it? I’ve known women who could get away with murder by just bursting into tears and going “I love you” – surely that shouldn’t work for a football chairman as well?
25th November: It’s Questionable Humour Day. Prentice pulls that sly “someone told me” routine with the Gary Glitter/Firing Squad/Peter Crouch ‘joke’ that’s doing the rounds (and has done for every struggling forward since Louis Bimpson). It wouldn’t work with James Beattie or Duncan Ferguson, of course. As George Best finally passes away (Sky Sports News has now given up on ‘sport’ altogether) I couldn’t help but giggle at the information in this morning’s paper that he had a donor card “so every organ in his body, including his new liver, can be used to save lives”. Maybe it’s wrong to say so, but who’d be desperate enough to want that? I’m sad and all, but steeling myself for the national grief-fest to follow. Self Pity City eh?
26th November: Is life weird or what? We go to Manchester the day after Best dies, with arguably the two sets of fans that hate United the most having to stand for a silence. Which they don’t, of course. Could have told them that beforehand but they know best, no pun etc. There are too many of these things now anyway, and I said as much when Anthony Walker was killed in Huyton. The game itself was awful, but we get the one goal that mattered this season. MAN CITY 0 L 1, for what it’s worth. It’s hardly going to be the headline news tomorrow.
27th November: Actually, we’ve dodged a bullet. Maybe it’s sick to say you can always ‘rely’ on Leeds fans but they seem to be bearing the brunt of the outrage. Our lot weren’t angels but it was a minority and there are rumours of baiting about Michael Shields. Fair play to Stuart Pearce who puts the emphasis on the 47,000 who did keep quiet – which makes you wonder why the FA turned down City’s request for a minute’s applause. If anyone was wondering why there is so much bitterness for United, just read Simon Mullock’s scabrous match report in the Mirror. “The kind of long ball plan that Wimbledon were criticised for” and “European champions in name only” are just two of so many petty digs. “If Liverpool can win the Champions League, then anyone can”. We’ll find out soon enough, you Manc cunt.
28th November: Mike Summerbee puts the boot in, big-nosed hypocrite that he is. Why do you think you and the other City waxworks were lined up pitch-side? To say to City fans “ah come on, behave – it might be one of these poor bastards next”. Why the request for applause? Because they know what City fans are like. It’s rare to hear any Liverpool fan call United ‘The Munichs’, not so rare in the blue half of Manchester. By the way, Key 103 just received a record fine for making jokes about Ken Bigley last year. Do you think we’d take a lecture on decorum from Mancunians? Think again. PS Jeff Powell calls the interruptions “isolated blasphemies” – just in case you thought it was a human being that had died. Three days have passed – he should have risen by now, surely?
29th November: Well done Steven Gerrard. Third-best player in the world is not an accolade to be sniffed at, although Fat Frank is in second place and that’s slightly irksome. The top ten also includes Shevchenko, Kaka and Maldini. What, no Jerzy?
29th November: The blues are still whinging about Shearer’s elbow on Weir. These things usually have a shelf life but at Everton they mature with age like fine wine. The player’s not complaining as it’s saved Polythenebagface a grand’s worth of rhinoplasty.
30th November: St Michael is taking a well-earned rest from his world cup training camp aka St James Park. Groin muscle this time. Souness says “he clipped a few balls into the net and felt something” – yeah, felt like a few weeks off. Wor Piss-taker, the canny lad.
30th November: “I’m in charge” headlines from Rafa, Cisse left on Merseyside – it’s all a bit Houllier-Camara now. Not that we needed him during SUNDERLAND 0 L 2, but Sean Dundee would have fancied his chances tonight. Crouch is about to hit one into an empty net and is taken from behind………yes yes, very funny. Surely the lad’s luck has got to change soon? Momo achieves his season-long ambition by getting to the dressing room faster than everybody else, but that still didn’t cause a problem. And suddenly we’re in fourth place. That came from out of nowhere, and can anyone honestly say we’re playing that much better?
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