February 2006
By Steve Kelly
1st February: “I’m 30 and hopefully I’ve got another 5 years at this level”. It’s a nice thought but it’s hardly likely is it? It was just brilliant to raise the roof for Robbie when he came on during L 1 BIRMINGHAM CITY 1. It was a real shame his goal didn’t stand, but the damage had been done long before that. 1-0 in goals and 11-10 in players should have been enough to finish off such a poor side, but we’ve been sitting back far too often in recent weeks. This and Old Trafford must serve as a reminder to the boss that games are not over until the final whistle or the score-line is big enough to put us out of sight. After we equalised (they were never going to do it for themselves) the siege at the Kop end was old school. We created more in those 5 minutes than the whole of the second half combined. Had we done that at 1-0 they couldn’t possibly have survived such an onslaught. There was a term some of us used for Houllier’s team – The Just-Enough Reds – but some are beginning to question whether those bad, bad days are actually over.
2nd February: On his passport, what does it actually say under occupation? ‘Paid-up contract collector”? Graeme Souness is finally put out of the Geordies’ misery. It’s being reported that his coaching staff are “on gardening leave”, but one particular individual is not mentioned. There are uncharitable souls who’d see Boersma digging in the garden and would immediately call the police, scurrilous swine that they are. Freddie Shepherd immediately makes Alan Shearer assistant manager. “You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time”. Abe Lincoln said that. “Geordies are utterly moronic”. Everyone says that.
3rd February: Though if it came to a gullibility contest they’d get some pretty stiff competition closer to home. The back of the Post reads, “Moyes explains transfer window inactivity”. Just in case the message hasn’t sunk in the Echo leads with “Why I did not splash cash”. Why it takes two major articles when one sentence containing the words “pot” and “piss” would suffice is anyone’s guess. It doesn’t help when you sell one striker and your Legend (hardly Mr Reliable as it is) gets a burglar flashback at the JJB. I hope he gets an extended contract at the Pit because I might be able to get my Dunc song going then: “if you break into Big Dunc’s tonight/you’re in for a big surprise/if you break into big Duncan’s house/you’ll end up with two black eyes”. I’ll be handing out song sheets very soon.
4th February: The title race isn’t over according to Demento. “If it can happen to a great club like us it can happen to a lesser club like Chelsea”. Did your charm school ever reopen? No? How odd. He’s also got some advice for Mark Hughes: “he’s out contesting every decision, he’s got to look at himself a little bit”. Aye, wonder where he picked up that nasty little habit! Moyes goes ballistic as Duncan gets a double-ban for his ‘Quiet Man’ impression at Wigan and believes Everton are being “victimised”.
5th February: God knows what he would have made of CHELSEA 2 L 0 then. No argument with the score, they’re a good side and we were lucky in the end to get away without a hiding, but what Robben did to Reina was a scandal. Carvalho and Gallas got away with far worse than that and the next time Mourinho or Clarke whine about “respect” just remember how they behaved with a minute to go today. Our build-up was okay early on but Crouch on his own up front will not work if no one gets up to support him. Like at Old Trafford we were frightened by what they could to us, and all the precautions in the world won’t help when you mark corners like we do. The result doesn’t hurt because most of us were expecting it. The manner of it stung like a muthabitch.
6th February: Rafa tries his hand at comedy, vowing to visit Robben in hospital. All very quaint I’m sure, but in essence it trivialises the crooked nature of Mourinho’s team. Joe Cole tried to do it to Gerrard at Anfield and they surrounded Reina and the referee like a pack of wolves yesterday. The tendency is to excuse this stuff by aligning it to a winning mentality, but it’s CHEATING. Is this seriously what we have got to do in order to get a 19th title, sell our soul?
7th February: “I told him that it was a stupid thing to do, the next thing I know he swings round and reacts with his hands. I don’t see how I can be blamed for that” – er, you missed something out there didn’t you? John Terry says he’s disappointed in Rafa because he didn’t visit Robben in hospital after all. I’d normally mark that down as yet more lame ‘humour’, but one look at that forehead and it’s hard to believe he isn’t serious. “Mongo no understand”…...
8th February: It was all going so well too. CHARLTON 2 L 0 makes it 1 point out of 12, if not a crisis it’ll do until one comes along. Once again the absence of any cutting edge makes all the possession worthless. It was never a penalty but Ferdinand Gallas and Bent (plus Xabi’s og) have all proved one thing: that you can control the game as much as you like/think, but you have to put the ball in the back of the net. Everything else is just preamble. Given the marvellous comeback here last season, the second half was a big, big disappointment. “In 5 minutes you lose all of the work you have done in 40 minutes, we created chances and controlled”. Houllier’s explanation of the Basle defeat (the beginning of his end?) was “you can have the best plan in the world but if the other team scores after a minute it goes out of the window”. He got roasted alive for those remarks – what makes Rafa any better at the moment? It’s getting a little scary to be honest.
8th February: Everton lost at Chelsea, and though it probably wouldn’t have made any difference losing Richard Wright before kick-off didn’t help. No one wishes to perpetuate the stereotype of stupid footballers and goalkeepers being the dimmest of the lot, but he tripped over a big sign in the goalmouth that read “please don’t stand in the goalmouth”, thus giving it that little twist of Stensgaard though it wasn’t quite Kirklandian. It could start a whole new trend. “Please don’t slide into this post bollocks-first, you may rupture yourself”. Would have saved Phil Babb a whole heap of trouble.
9th February: “We don’t create this siege mentality, we just pick up the papers and read what people say about us. The stick Robben got was unjustified”. For extra irony points these were the words of Steve ‘Quieroz’ Clarke as Mourinho was off sulking somewhere. It takes a Special One to make a whole club this hated this quickly. Their opener against Everton was real quality, you wonder if they actually need all of the psychodrama that goes on all around them or whether TSO is buzzing off it.
10th February: We’re not letting that penalty lie. I find it hard to believe that Darren Bent actually did say “Sorry sorry I dived, I did dive” to Jerzy. Even Fowler in 1997 just waved his hands and said “no pen”, an act of such uncommonness that he got an award from UEFA! He’d probably be fined nowadays for bringing the game into repute.
11th February: We’re in no mood to be snooty I suppose. Any 3 points are vital in the current mood, and no matter what you say WIGAN 0 L 1 was three points. Any attempt to bring in an ice-skating style “artistic impression” points system must be fiercely resisted because we’d be in relegation trouble after this! The pitch was lousy in fairness and we are beginning to look extremely tired. More lax marking at set pieces, only Wigan couldn’t punish us in the way United and Chelsea did thank God. Was Fowler brought back to create for other players? Surely not, but that’s the way it looks judging by today. I’d forgotten about Wigan Casino, so the win and a bit of Dobie Gray lightened the mood. Note to future ground builders: if you must build in the middle of nowhere, please fill the fecking corners in will ya? Or is frostbite de rigueur in Lancashire?
11th February: The Everton goalkeeper lasted 8 minutes this time out, sent off for handling outside the area. “I can’t wait to get my first clean sheet, that is my target for Saturday – and a win”. Well, he’ll be sort of pleased! The Blues have turned it around to be fair; I had them down for the drop after the derby I’ve got to be honest. If Pongolle’s ludicrous assertions about their supporters were in lieu of wearing a big “PLEASE BUY ME” sign in the Blue House, doing your utmost to get a rookie sent off at Goodison probably wasn’t a good idea. Wear your bling at the derby and cheer the opposition’s every move –that should do it.
11th February: “Sam buries hatchet over Diaby tackle” read this morning’s paper. I’m sure this was a comfort to Reyes as he was stretchered off today. Of course the papers will say ‘nowt’ about Sam and his plucky Bolton underdogs - a lot less than they said about Sissoko after the 2-2 at the Reebok that’s for damn sure. Wenger’s eyesight is acting up again though because he thought Flamini’s two-footed tackle was fair and Allardyce is having none of that. “He shouldn’t whinge about us, he should worry about his own team and his own problems” – hmmmm. Forget the England job: if anyone was born to manager Manchester United……
12th February: Is there anyone in the Premiership with an atom of class? Mourinho’s reaction to being trounced at Middlesbrough? “I like it when small teams fight for their lives against teams with more quality”. As someone who would fly into a rage whenever Uncle Joe over-praised the opposition in the 80’s I’ve got to admit I don’t half miss the old boy nowadays.
14th February: Have Chelsea got a big game coming up? Who’s it against? Let me think, God it’s on the tip of my tongue. Maybe Harry Harris’ column in the Express will enlighten me? “Drogba Bait in £30m Eto’o bid”…………do you know what, my memory’s appalling. I’d almost forgotten what a good match looked like. L 1 ARSENAL 0 was an exciting game all told, but be honest: if we’d got that goal with 88 minutes to go would it have been as good? Gerrard carried on the noble tradition of missing dodgy penalties, sadly there was no McAteer to follow this one in. Lehmann is a complete loon but he’s never done us any harm and he had an outstanding match tonight. You’d always want Garcia in that position, so if we’re looking for a short-term solution to our goal-shy forwards he could be it. Henry looks like he can’t wait to get out of there, and they’ve got a nerve shouting “hoof!” when they’ve got Senderos in their team. Fully deserved victory, but do we have to go through this every time?
15th February: “Champions League, yer having a laugh/UEFA Cup, yer having a laugh/ Inter Toto, yer having a laugh/ Special place in Europe thanks to the fair play award, yer having a laugh”. Needs a bit of work that one. They spent 20 years whining about how a lack of European football cost them glory. Then they claim that this season’s four European games put them out of their stride for the rest of the campaign, now they’re volunteering for the continent’s Freight Rover Trophy. Make your bleedin’ minds up!
16th February: Obligatory Bill Hicks quote: “Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world? Yeah, but there’s a reeeal big drop-off after the third. The Hari Krishnas are 5th”. Wonder why that line popped into my head after the announcement that Everton are one of the top 20 richest clubs in Europe. Wyness says “we are delighted with the news but the key thing now is to consolidate and become a regular in the list”………do you think Cahill’s worth £30m, then?
16th February: Eto’o isn’t fazed by all the transfer speculation. “It’s only because the game is getting closer” – so cynical for one so young! Reina’s still seething about that red card, and having already told Everton to efefefefef off when they asked for help v Villareal he will be supporting Barca all the way. “I hope they score four goals in each leg”, he says. The bit where he mentioned Robben, grated cheese, starving rats and pubic hair was edited out of my family paper.
17th February: “Webb is a young referee and there are big hopes for the lad, but this is a big test”. Translation: don’t forget what happened to the York City linesman and the Feyenoord referee, you baldy bastard. The Mirror’s big story today is that Benitez is heading for Inter Milan in the summer. Ho hum. Fernando keeps another tradition going: “if we score we won’t run to the United fans that’s for certain”. Like you didn’t on the debut that you always score on, you mean?
18th February: So much for neutrality. The Express makes a crack about cars on bricks (for the visit of a Mancunian team, for added irony) while yours truly was vilified by the Guardian no less for orchestrating a hate campaign against Neville. I made a puny joke on the forum about tar and feathers weeks ago, and it’s been reported today as a genuine threat! How sly is that? So let’s just say that I rather enjoyed L 1 MANCHESTER UNITED 0. This fixture has been rather quiet of late so we should be grateful to young Gareth for that at least. The atmosphere was just fantastic. Kewell set the tone by piling into him before he’d even kicked the ball. We should have won by more but we seem unable to push on these days. They hardly created a chance, and the little I could hear from the away end wasn’t particularly pleasant. Webb was a shambles, having taken his ‘warning’ to heart and giving almost every 50-50 to United. First FA Cup win in 80 years, even my dad hasn’t seen one of these! Not a bad day’s work.
18th February: Mark Lawrenson was lecturing on homophobia in this morning’s Mirror and manages to get a few quips in. “I’ve often been asked when I’m coming out, I think my wife and two kids might have something to say about that”. Oh all right Oscar………what?……..no, no I meant he was being witty. I did………………………………………………… …………honestly! Oh, forget it.
19th February: Oh dear. We’d better make sure we don’t beat them for another 80 years if this morning’s coverage is anything to go by. The Mirror goes predictably potty, their Inter stitch-up having failed miserably. Huge emphasis on the Smith song, which although tacky certainly wasn’t the nastiest of the day (try “you killed your own fans” for starters) and although the Sunday papers are usually finished well in advance of the weekend the Liverpool-hating Millwall fan (is there any other kind?) who does the sports letters somehow manages to cram in a condemnation of the Kop. Demento’s magic timepiece told him we played only 5 minutes of football yesterday, reverting to the crimson loon persona we all love because it means they lost. Liverpool knocked Man U out of the FA Cup. Bear that in mind, something tells me a lot of people will want you to forget it.
20th February: Smith’s agent tries to calm things, but he’s wasting his time. “Alan was a bit delirious but he was able to tell a lot of Liverpool fans were applauding him”. Strange a lad in sheer agony, whose leg had just collapsed like a deck chair, can hear us clapping him off but the press section couldn’t. After the little ambush in January congratulations to OUR police who kept trouble to a minimum. Back in the 70’s we had names for coppers who enjoyed car chases a bit too much: Starsky & Hutch. Nowadays “officers from the force’s Matrix team dispersed the crowd”. Cool! Do they freeze in mid-air and throw their guns away when they run out of bullets as well?
20th February: Having managed to evade that dangerous hamburger (luckily it was half-eaten or who knows what mayhem would have ensued) Neville to be fair is trying to play down all the ‘aggro’. “We are getting a little too carried away with shouts from the crowd, these are minor incidents and when you come to Liverpool you expect to be given a tough time”. Cynics might claim he was playing it all down because of his own FA charge but I think he just accepts the fixture for what it is. Granted, he helped to make it a lot nastier himself but anyone who didn’t get a visceral thrill from Saturday’s match is dead inside. In these oh so anodyne times, the odd game that still gets the pulse racing can be no bad thing. Not looking forward to the next visit to Old Trafford, mind you!
21st February: I never had Steven Gerrard down for a comedian but he made me laugh this morning. “Any complacency and any bigheadedness and Rafa would come down on you” – so it’s a good job you’ve been neither ever since he arrived, isn’t it? BENFICA 1 L 0 conjures the enduring image of Benitez “coming down” on himself (oo-er!) because it looked for all the world like he totally misjudged the situation. A good side, after twenty minutes, could have sized up the opposition and realised there wasn’t much there to threaten them. Now, without having stretched themselves in any way, Benfica have everything they wanted: a win and no away goal conceded thanks largely to our timidity. If you pick Fowler we have to attack, this was the kind of game we surely bought Crouch for, bump or no bump. Garcia was dreadful and Rafa’s claim that “no one is talking about zonal marking any more” has really come back to haunt him now.
22nd February: You’re angry? You’re angry?? Give me strength. “In terms of how we played we could have attacked a bit more”, which is exactly the kind of ‘don’t look at me’ quote you’d get from Houllier. That team was following orders last night. “We have played a lot of games this season already” – uh oh. He’s right, of course he’s right, and maybe I shouldn’t keep mentioning his predecessor so much because he is a different kind of manager. The similarities, barely noticeable for 18 months, are starting to pile up and look a little obvious. The thought of going through all that palaver again (only in Spanish this time) fills me with a dread I can’t measure.
22nd February: But we’re not the only ones in trouble. Chelsea lose to Barca and the karma is piling up. Robben dismissed at Sunderland was funny enough but Del Horno sent off because the opponent ahem exaggerated the impact of the challenge is justice x 2, given how Chelsea beat them last season. I hope Reina wasn’t doing the ironing when he watched that or we might have another Stensgaard on our hands. Barcelona were well worth the win, rising above the disgracefully doctored pitch. The Translator came second in the mind games too, with Rijkaard’s pre-match assertion that the ref was his mate paying off in spades. Two goals at Anfield v Benfica, or two goals at the Nou Camp? I know which challenge I’d rather face.
23rd February: It didn’t look great but it sounds worse. “He suffered trauma with bruising on the eye and damage to the retina. Vision is going to be compromised, it may be by 80% or 20% we can’t say”. Yeah, but apart from that he’s okay? Jeez. It sounds bad for Momo and obviously we hope he recovers soon. Meanwhile, Everton are so desperate for a reserve goalie that they get Westerveld on loan from Portsmouth. Which is win-win for Moyes of course. Loads of match-winning saves = Moyessiah. But if he gets the Reebok version, it’ll be fugginredshitebastid and Special Agent Sander, Mission Accomplished. After a few wins this year the drop into relegation trouble (not his first) was handily wiped from their goldfish memories. The toughest job in football? Oh boy.
23rd February: Drogba, 28m. Wright-Phillips, 20m. Duff, 18m. Essien, 30m. Losing with the teensiest atom of good grace, priceless. “How do you say cheating in Catalonian”, asks the former Porto/current Chelsea manager. We even get mentioned because of the Essien tackle! All we need now is Rafa to produce his 120-page dossier of Mourinho quotes to prove he’s obs-……… but of course that’s never gonna happen is it? How do you say “class” in Portuguese? Few surprises at the AGM, with the usual pout from Morgan hardly registering amidst the general acclaim for the team’s extraordinary achievement in Istanbul. Parry says he will do all he can to shift the Ewood game from April 15th but surely they’ve had all season to do this?
24th February: “Too much was overshadowed by the decision, you’d love to have 11 men to play against them, but it was a big decision and not the right one”. Let’s call Gudjohnsen the karma chameleon from now on. He’s changed his stance on refs showing cards for blatant dives that change matches. He seemed positively euphoric when Xabi Alonso was shown his last April. Maybe Messi will miss a match-winning chance in the 96th minute of the second leg, and he can show as much humility to his opponents as Eidur shows to his.
24th February: Matt Dunn of the Express (having run out of hilarious cars-on-bricks jokes) is all in a tizzy. The poor love’s worried that our youth team will meet United’s, a game that “has been identified by troublemakers as a chance to continue the feud”. Fret not, little stirrer of the brown stuff – City knocked them out last night. The Mail had the score in this morning’s edition, why not you? Speaking of shit stirred or otherwise Matt also repeats this rumour about “excretions” falling onto the away end during the cup tie (1-0 to us) and that Ged Poynton intends to find the culprit. I’ll save him the bother and confess. I’m really, really sorry okay – but the shop had run out of snooker balls and my 50p-sharpener is being repaired……sorry, that was K Stand wasn’t it? I always forget that we are the only ones who cause trouble.
26th February: Nice to get back to a boring game of football with no riot squads, sick songs etc. There was potential for it when the half time shoot-out took place, but the only thing that occurred to anyone was “how can lads with one leg still take a better penalty than any Liverpool player?” L 1 MAN CITY 0 displayed our usual flaws, while Barton displayed his. I’ve heard some Reds advocating the sale of Gerrard and replacing him with his fellow Huytonian – every third word was “wibble”, of course. Pearce claimed “Joey has got to be a bit cuter and a bit cleverer in his tackling”. The only way is up, clearly. City actually had a go when reduced to ten men, aided by a Benitez substitution that bordered on the perverse. Crouch was the main threat and getting closer all the time – but he departed and Morientes stayed. The first signs of dissent are tumbling from the stands, but we won that’s the main thing what are ya moaning for ungrateful bastards repeat until next blip etc etc.
26h February: Barca’s Cheat School. No, it’s not the next ITV reality show but an accusation from Del Horno. Yes, the Chelsea Del Horno. Yes, the Chelsea Del Horno who rolled around in ‘agony’ after he’d flattened Messi. There isn’t any other is there, although you’d be forgiven for thinking so. Elsewhere in the ‘People McCarthy labels Liverpool a one-man team which is not bad going for a club with the best defensive record in the league. The chronic lack of goals and creativity? That’s obviously somebody else’s job but don’t let the facts get in the way of the myth.
26th February: The prick who selects the letters for the Sunday Mirror explains why United’s sick songs weren’t mentioned last week: “the sick perpetrators don’t deserve any publicity”, apparently. Ah, good then. Let the rest of the country think we’re the only ones who lower the tone, when has that ever caused any friction between the two clubs? United hammer Wigan down at Cardiff, and Ferguson says “we have never devalued this competition”. That’s not a misprint, he really did say it!
27th February: Jeff Powell screams “Liverpool and Chelsea must stamp on yobs”. Isn’t that a rather yobbish solution, like the death penalty? Let’s murder the murderers! United as ever remain conveniently absent from the list of yobbos Powell seeks to eradicate. “As one who walked the killing field of Hillsborough among frantic parents and wept with them when the-” no sorry, I thought I could get through it but apparently not. Where’s the sick bag? You and your awful paper have done nothing but cause pain and misery for the parents you claim to have wept with on the day, you horrible bastard. Michael Shields is refused a visit from the Bishop of Liverpool, and if Powell had a conscience he would denounce this abuse of human rights, not continue to re-enforce a stereotype that weakens the poor lad’s fight for justice.
28th February: United appear rather full of themselves after winning this ‘Mickey Mouse cup’ on Sunday. Giggs claims “we’ve got age on our side, this is a relatively young team”. Relative to whom, exactly? Once you’ve found replacements for Giggs Van Nistelrooy Van Der Sar and Scholes they should be quite sprightly. The Smith ambulance episode is turning into a siege of Iranian embassy proportions. One dick in the Telegraph really puts the boot in because fans of other clubs - “yes, including United” - left flowers at Anfield in 1989. Well that was 17 years ago, a lot of water’s gone under the bridge since then. And a whole pile of United nastiness has been swept under the carpet too. Liverpool 1 Man U 0. Heap the hype as high as you please, that isn’t ever going to change.
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