March 2006
By Steve Kelly
1st March: The Angels were up to their usual nonsense in Cardiff at any rate. “A media representative from Wigan was covered in phlegm, forcing him to move from his seat in the press box at half-time to protect his spattered club coat”. Well if you will sit in front of Steve Curry I’ve no sympathy for you. We haven’t been let off the hook though because Beckham tells the press that Neville won’t leave his Liverpool hotel room (England play at Anfield tomorrow). I can think of numerous reasons why that is. The call to room service for a copy of Pigs Monthly and a big box of tissues might give us a clue.
2nd March: Steven Gerrard didn’t ask Liverpool fans to “calm down calm down” as the Mail claims – if anything’s guaranteed to wind us up it’s that 15 years-old ‘joke’ – he simply stated anyone who went the game could distinguish between England and LFC. It doesn’t help when Parry shoves his snout into the whole argument and gives the snipers legitimacy by referring to “Munich songs”. Not even the lying little weasel at the Guardian has made that accusation (yet). How about sticking up for your own kind for a change, instead of playing the game and following the agenda the Mancs (wot, no FA Cup this year?) have set.
2nd March: According to the Express Josemi has revealed why he quit Anfield – he could not stand beans on toast. I can think of about 101 different reasons why you ‘quit’ Liverpool (in the same way Andy Cole quit internationals?) - but now I can’t get that scene from Blazing Saddles out of my mind, with Rafa as Slim Pickens. Thanks for that.
2nd March: There’s nothing the Echo likes more than wringing its hands over Liverpool’s flaws, real or imaginary. At least John Thompson asks United to rein in Neville and its own loonies. Stand by for “Shame of a City 2” as Steve Finnan is ludicrously, scandalously accused of racism by two deaf (but not dumb) United fans. Sky must have the footage in question but they’re not showing it while reporting this as ‘news’. It’s a disgrace. We lost in January, we had a little whinge and moved in. They lost in February (1-0 it was) and there has been one act of spite and deceit after another. Parry is such a politician that image and spin are all he understands. The failure to stick up for the fans and put all these lies in context will not be forgotten.
4th March: The next time Mourinho or his Cockney Quieroz mouth off about a lack or respect, just watch footage of their win at West Brom and see them shown up for the frauds that they are. Their blatant disregard for any decency in football is bad enough against the likes of Arsenal, Barca or even us – but West Brom??? That said, I’m sure Fowler will be curious to know if there’s to be a charge of homophobia for a manager who screams “fuggin’ faggot!” over and over again to his rival. Robben sent off again, eh? It’s instant, and it’s gonna getchoo.
4th March: Goals? Overrated if you ask me. L 0 CHARLTON 0 carries on the current trend of all-out attack, feeble finishing and inspired opposition goalkeepers. When a former clod like Deep In The Myhre can keep you at bay you’ve got problems haven’t you? Cisse kept creeping into the middle and at least made the keeper work hard, while supplying the one cross that Crouch should have put away. It turns out that Fowler’s goal should have stood but his smile was in sharp contrast to the shrieking bitchery at the Hawthorns. A reminder of more dignified times then, which the Kop can still manage occasionally with its tribute to Gary McAllister whose wife sadly passed away after a long illness. Just two years he was here, and became a legend. You and the kids are in our prayers.
5th March: We sarky types used to call Bryan Robson ‘Manofthematch’ in the late 80’s and early 90’s, indicative of an England favourite who would get all the plaudits no matter how well he’d played. A quick glance at this morning’s papers show Gerrard has acquired similar status. I’m not sure who was better than him yesterday in fairness, but it’s another little irritation to add to all the big ones. Numerous references to Rafa wanting 30m to spend this summer or he’s off. You add it all up (assuming he had any say over Cisse, which is being disputed) and 30m a year is roughly what he’s already been given. Watching and writing about this club for the last 16 years has made me deeply cynical, but I’m just wondering if the lack of investment is either incompetence or concern at how it will be spent. Rafa fails, then he and his staff have to be paid and a lot of players sudden decide they’re homesick. How many times do you go through this before you finally admit you can’t afford it any more? If anyone invests it can’t be a one-shot deal, and if Rafa’s little pal off Sky is doing his dirty work for him in the media then that’s out of order as well.
6th March: Lovely headline in the Express: “Sissoko eyes comeback”. Hey, that’s really funny. Note the absence of ‘Scholes in the dark about his future’ headlines, because that would be, y’know, sort of tacky wouldn’t it? When the lad comes back and scores on his return, watch out for a “Socket to ‘em Momo” headline. United fluke their way to 3 points at Wigan and Jewell moans “they had one shot and scored 2 poxy goals”. Ferguson is obsequious in his praise for a Wigan performance not dissimilar to ours in the 5th round. They’re not bitter or obsessed y’know…………… speaking of which, there will be no charge of racism against Steve Finnan after all. GMP say “the case is closed”. Is it? Aren’t you forgetting a little something called “wasting police time”? Their own police force has been complicit in this outrage, so when it seriously kicks off at Old Trafford next season (as it undoubtedly will) don’t expect any help from the police. You’re on your own. It’s still 1-0, by the way.
7th March: The best team loses (again) and Chelsea are out of Europe (again) despite the special tactic of sending on Hoof upfront (again). These national holidays are piling up aren’t they? There are more slow motion replays of a manager than there are of the players on ITV tonight, but he’s only doing it to protect his players y’know. Oh yes. Not even riches beyond compare can guarantee you a Champions League, but surely Abramovich will see how Barcelona play and wonder why his expensive toy can’t do likewise. Mourinho’s bizarre rant about G14 – presumably that’s why we won it last year! – shows how unhinged he’s become lately. He can’t control this siege mentality no matter how brilliant he thinks he is. The sharks smell blood, his, and they won’t stop till they gorge themselves.
8th March: “I don’t want to distract people by talking about my future, I am not worried about other things, only that I do my best and get the players to do their best”. Perhaps you rein in your journalist friends then because there’s an unsettled air around the place these days. L 0 BENFICA 2 was freakish, no way were they 3 goals better over the two legs but European football is played on a knife-edge. If Ibrahimovic or Gudjohnsen had scored last year, there’d have been no Istanbul never mind the ‘miracle’. You have to take your chances and you have to be in form when the CL resumes, neither was applicable to us in 2006. With no Hyypia it was always going to be tricky, no Hamann made it doubly difficult. Warnock and (especially) Traore just put the seal on it. Even then we should have scored and who knows what can happen then? The fans showed their appreciation for last year and also gave the visitors an outstanding ovation. In complete contrast to last night’s vanquished team we showed our class but it still hurts like hell.
9th March: Graham Sankey has now withdrawn his confession for the crime that Michael Shields is serving 15 years for. His solicitor claims, “It is our belief that we may be talking about two entirely separate incidents”. So many bricks, so many skulls – it must be hard to remember which one you split open mustn’t it? I’ve always felt a bit uncomfortable writing about all this because we can’t KNOW what really happened out there, but with doubts about forensics and the Bulgarians even refusing him a visit from a man of God something stinks.
10th March: Benitez (team struggling = use of surname!) puts our shot-shy forwards’ tribulations down to luck. “Morientes is a very good finished in training” (bully for him) “Cisse scored 23 goals in France”, a large percentage of which I’d suggest were scored when he was actually on the pitch and playing in his proper position. Cisse had 11 goals for Liverpool by November, so isn’t it possible with a bit more faith he could have reached his French tally by May? “I keep talking to them, telling them to work hard, but I can only do so much. In the end they are the ones who have to put it right”, which is all a bit Houllier to be honest. Funny how his name is cropping up more and more in this diary.
10th March: And the back of the Echo’s “YOU CAN TRUST ME” doesn’t actually help. “If I can’t say the truth my idea is always better to not say anything at all” - which isn’t actually a denial, is it? He could see an axe maniac creeping up behind you and say nowt, and as he (hopefully) phones for an ambulance he says “well, at least I didn’t lie to you”. Oh, good then. Our captain takes part in the CL draw ceremony and blithely watches some poor lass crumple to the ground with an expression that roughly translates as “silly bitch”. Self-contained, self-absorbed. Potato, potarto.
11th–12th March: Gerrard urges the board to loosen up the funds to make a difference next season, ignoring the fact that a substantial amount has already been spent on this squad. The treatment of Cisse has drastically reduced any fee we can expect for the lad and the strikers Rafa bought can’t put a chance away to save their lives. Gerrard’s still banging on about Owen, declaring that our current flaws are “obvious”. As obvious as Henry standing alone in our penalty area, do you mean? ARSENAL 2 L 1 wasn’t unexpected or even undeserved, they were better than us, but if the captain’s going to make big speeches on the eve of a game about where we’re going wrong maybe he shouldn’t make the howler of the season when we’re about to snatch a point? Bennett totally fucked us up of course but this has been a bad ground for us of late and the sooner it’s demolished the better. Henry’s great but that corner flag business stank and my only complaint with Garcia’s challenge is that he didn’t break something. Va va voom, my arse.
13th March: No, no, no! “In the second half we got back into the game, we controlled things more and made more chances going forward”. This is becoming alarming now, that’s an entirely different game to the one I watched. We’re in a mini-crisis so if he wants to close ranks and keep everyone confident that’s all well and good but there’s no need to embellish it. He’s right about Gerrard’s overall contribution this season wiping out yesterday’s blunder, but as ever Chris Bascombe goes well over the top. “He took the blame but anyone else suggesting it’s his fault is a coward”. So anyone agreeing with our glorious captain that he cost us a point is a coward now? Expanded further, that theory would make anyone who constantly took his side on any argument the biggest coward of the lot? Hmmm. Not making any of my own accusations of cowardice, but if you actually thought Reina was yesterday’s man of the match I’ll show my arse in Old Hall Street – and believe me, nobody wants to see that.
14th March: Deflection it may be but I’m 100% behind Rafa’s condemnation of Bennett. He didn’t even see the incident, but sent Alonso off anyway. Even that’s okay, because referees do not always get it right. They make fewer mistakes than players truth be told, but once made there should be honesty and accountability. To refuse to even reconsider changing the red card is an abuse of power and typical of the current batch’s “me me me” God-like status.
15th March: We didn’t need Alonso as it turned out, but L 5 FULHAM 1 was a lot more laboured than the score suggests. It was great to see Fowler still has that unnatural ability to predict where the ball will arrive, but even after a fortuitous second we made very, very hard work of it. I couldn’t see it but I’m reliably informed Rafa did a weird little “shut your gobs” mime after Morientes made the game safe. If he thinks that excuses over 2 months of favouritism he’s deluded. Made up for Warnock, but why on earth were Gerrard and Finnan wasting time at the corner flag? Deep into injury time and 5-1 up at home to Fulham, no wonder the Kop booed loudly. It was totally unnecessary and if any of their lads had ‘done a Garcia’ no one could have complained.
16th March: Not sure what if any difference an extra year on Rafa’s contract will make. Is that seriously going to fend off Inter or Real? It’s more symbolic than anything else, and as for these “huge funds” everyone seems to believe the board has now promised him forgive me if I don’t whoop n holler for joy. Once bitten etc. At least three players will leave in the summer and hopefully that’ll raise 10m. Where the other 20m comes from, well your guess is as good as mine.
16th March: One bluenose in the Echo’s jury made me laugh tonight. “You can tell the Blues are playing well because Kenwright has made himself heard again. He’s been quiet since Bucharest but when things are going well he’s back in the limelight”. So cynical for one so young! Middlesbrough knock Roma out of the UEFA Cup to the delight of 3,400 of their loyal followers. Well, 3,387 actually as 13 of them were stabbed in entirely unprovoked attacks by mob-handed Italians. Women and children were involved but the lunatics didn’t let that stop them. So we have Liverpool then Boro being slashed, Lazio’s Nazi players and paraphernalia plus Frisk getting his head split open, and still no ban from UEFA. The word ‘spineless’ seems to apply right across the board here, doesn’t it?
17th March: The Blackburn game has finally been moved to April 16th. It would be churlish to ask just why it took so long and what were the obstacles, but it’s finally happened and we should thank Rovers and the FA for finally getting right. We usually take a lot of fans there anyway, but playing on the 15th just wouldn’t feel right at all.
18th March: United have never changed a fixture because it clashed with February 6th but it doesn’t mean they don’t care about their own dead. Respect for their past doesn’t seem to mean much to the penny pinching Glazers though. They not only made squad players fork out £75 for Carling Cup final tickets but also revoked freebies for Busby’s family. You can almost hear them saying “that statue’s not hi-tech enough for our profit-headquarters, get rid. And do we really need that tatty old clock? Let’s get something state of the art with running adverts”. Bastards.
19th March: I must admit I was really nervous when the name of Titus Bramble was not announced, but we needn’t have worried – there’s plenty of defensive incompetence to go around St James Park. It hasn’t been that great for us recently but NEWCASTLE 1 L 3 was almost as comfortable as the derby it resembled. We sacrificed a two-goal lead in the same vein as Goodison, but a Cisse goal and a red card put us back in control. We may have been hampered by the absence of Titus and Boumsong, but we saw time out thankfully. I don’t mind the Geordies, but “3-1 to the referee” – where did that come from? A letter on skytext later claimed it wasn’t a goal scoring opportunity because it was Crouch v Given! Which raises two issues: are we to have different rules for more talented players - and where were you when Peter scored in the first 10 minutes, bozo? Not like the barcodes to be baffled by football facts is it?
19th March: Numerous reports of Mourinho leaving Chelsea in today’s papers, sparked by the oil-grabber’s disappointment in Catalonia. That complete farce at Craven Cottage only reinforces the contempt in which this loathsome outfit is now held. Whinging about the home side surrounding the ref when their own player clearly handled the ball and ran off in defiant celebration. They’re cheats, it’s not a rule bent here or leaned on there. It’s non-stop, and even Gallas has turned into a twisted hateful little bastard. Their fan-base is now so gentrified that the ludicrous ‘violence’ after the match looked like a Joan Collins outtake from Dynasty.
20th March: The Daily Mail headline reads “Chelsea lose their dignity”. Their what? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I think you’ll find it next to their charm. Good hunting. Jose is going mental because he’s being linked with other clubs. It’s awful when you read about an important member of your club mischievously being linked with a move. That must be soul-destroying. Can’t remember the last time it happened to us, like………
21st March: Look, who’s really to blame for this fixture chaos? England and Eriksson, the TV stations who are spreading the quarterfinals over four days – or the clubs who bend over the table whenever anyone waves a wade of cash at them? The last time Rafa moaned about Gerrard’s tiredness his captain publicly contradicted him. To keep doing it borders on the farcical. I suppose he’s not too disheartened by BIRMINGHAM 0 L 7 which flew in the face of any notion of ‘fatigue’. Our players were buzzing by the 90th minute, which makes you wonder if they look more jaded when they have to close out a 1-0 result because they’re just bored. Our bogey team (excuse me, my sides have just split) were missing a few players of course, but I doubt those titans Upson, Butt or even Heskey would have made much difference. Crouch has got his second wind, not before time, and Garcia is great when he’s not in midfield scaring the bejesus out of Carragher. It was great just to see Momo again, although those goggles made him look like a Hero Turtle. It’s funny, but Steve Bruce was telling the world before the match that he wasn’t going to be a misery guts any more! It’ll still be annoying if the two points they stole off us keeps them up, but just the memory of tonight will render that irrelevant. Fantastic stuff.
22nd March: Big Dunc is gearing up for the derby. Are we supposed to tremble or something? His last derby goal was 5 years ago and no one remembers it because of McAllister. Weir removes the cling-film from his face long enough to speak. “The game is changing and Duncan’s attributes are maybe going out of the game”. Yeah, it’s called Evolution. Try it some time.
23rd March: Since they no longer employ McNulty it’s left to that other neutral Prentice to write the “what’s gone wrong with the derby” article. The gist of which is “some say that it’s Liverpool’s fault, others claim it’s Liverpool’s fault”. Whatever. Needless to say Chris B doesn’t get a chance to give our side. In other words, the same old shit we always have to put up with.
24th March: “I’m not moving to Liverpool”, says Arteta. Let’s not get into the ins and outs of whether we actually wanted him or not. It keeps the blues happy in their weeklong build-up to their big day. If we want a cup final of our own we’ll have to beat Chelsea at Old Trafford. The Mancs are furiously building a new tier for ahem ‘neutral’ supporters. Take your mackintosh. The Geordies aren’t letting their cup exit lie and Elliott accuses Wright-Phillips not just of diving but ruining his career. “With Boumsong and Bramble coming back I might not be able to get back into the team”……… yeah, that’s what I thought.
25th March: That was fantastic wasn’t it? One-man team? Ha! L 3 EVERTON 1 isn’t a great achievement because of the opposition, but because The Other Ten (y’know, the players who have had nothing to do with our improvement this season) showed their quality and tenacity. Aided, it has to be said, by a shower of underdogs who piddled their pants when they realised they were the favourites. If the ex-United brother of Gary (lynch him!) Neville has got it in for you, why not pack up now? Alonso and Sissoko did so much hard work it was untrue, and I’m made up for Kewell. He hasn’t been the easiest player to like at this club, but few have ever doubted that the talent is there. We’re not small-time enough to sing “your support is fucking shit”, but it would have been justified between 2-0 and 2-1. They did nothing in their biggest fixture of the year, and despite chasing an equaliser Moyes summed them up by admitting their chances ended when it reverted to a fair fight after their red card. They’re inferior, they have been for the vast majority of FOUR DECADES. That’s if you know your history of course……
26th March: You can always rely on Stubbsie. Dem fuggen cheating foreigners etc etc. Does that include the Scots, because for the second year running Weir broke the land speed record trying to get our player sent off. The only thing that is better than a derby win is the tidal wave of bile and bitterness that pours out of them afterwards, even when they’ve been outclassed. Normal service has been resumed.
26th March: Having won the derby in fine style, you might expect the Mancs and Blues to try and ruin it. Stubbsie’s top class comedy was accompanied by a Sunday Manc “YOB CULTURE” headline. I didn’t even notice Beattie and Gerrard had ‘08’ on their back. Good job too: the words ‘culture’ and ‘Beattie’ combined might have provoked a coughing fit of graveyard consequences. You want a real yob, try Kevin Davies of Bolton who spills blood (again) this afternoon at Boro. His manager is too busy virtually demanding the England job to notice. He should have been centre stage at the Vivian Stanshall memorial gig, singing ‘Look At Me I’m Wonderful’. “Pound for pound I’m more successful than anyone in the country” – is that at super-heavyweight level? He could be slimmer of the year if they brought back the guillotine.
27th March: ‘Spanish bid for Anfield’. Oh dear God. So that’s 5 countries who’ve been interested in ‘investing’: Thailand, Ireland, USA, Norway and now Spain – while the Scouser who’s actually made an offer is constantly kept at arm’s length. Juan Villalonga is described as a “flamboyant multi-millionaire”, which immediately makes you think (a) Simon Jordan alert (b) where’s the shotgun?
27th March: Prentice isn’t taking defeat very well, choosing to focus on the ‘ovation’ for Gerrard as he departed early. “The same red-eyed souls who applauded Baros for getting stupidly sent off last year”. Good grief, where to start? Well, there isn’t a single word about Van Der Meyde (so far so predictable) and not a single mention for The Legend – first game back after a six-week ban for violence – not only being roared onto the pitch by blue-eyed souls but assaulting Alonso in his very first bit of ‘action’. Prentice has got everyone on his staff on a tight rein though, especially Dominic King who’s up in arms about Garcia “waving cards” at the ref for Weir. This the same David Weir who raced towards Gerrard in the first half? Where’s that speed when he has to, y’know’ defend?
28th March: The Express does its best to appear impartial by slagging Drogba off for his basketball expertise against Man City, but makes out Chelsea fans were booing him for diving. Yeah, right. Just like they were booing Robben in February. Fernando meanwhile has “no intention of quitting Liverpool” because “people here have yet to see the real Morientes”. After 15 months there’s a point where you start to question reality surely?
28th March: Make way for the Linda Blair of football, Andy Gray. Phil Dowd was ‘far too fussy’ – but apparently he should have sent off Alonso and Garcia as well. Then he writes “good refs give players in derby matches a little more scope but that didn’t happen on Saturday”! He’ll be spewing out bile next (ahem), and for heaven’s sake just keep him away from that crucifix. On second thoughts let him get on with it.
29th March: And we have a winner. “Ferguson wants FA to get tough on diving”. In a huge article in the Mail, the hack finds half a paragraph to mention Ronaldo and The Horse “but the United manager believes both have cleaned up their game”. He’s also got a bug up his arse about groups of players closing on referees and trying to influence decisions. Andy D’Urso was unavailable for comment.
30th March: The Post hands Wyness his report card, one year to the day he charged into the china shop. Investment – E. Organising flights – X. Transfer coups - Z³. Bitterness – A+ thanks to some pathetic nonsense about evil G14 (and one member in particular, natch). Delusion – go to the top of the class. “We’re trying to grow our fan-base locally, nationally and internationally”. Have you tried Norway? They seem to like Merseyside over there. Have to get County Road extended, like, but it’s a small price to pay.
31st March: Did I say bitter? Sorry, I meant “the splendidly-spiky Keith Wyness” or so Prentice believes. In fairness to Mr Grecian 2000 (that hair looks so black it’s almost purple) he does have a good old rant about EFC’s talent for shooting themselves in the foot regarding video titles (you kids call them DVDs I believe): ‘Magnificent 7th’ and ‘Champions League We’re Having a Laugh’ are now accompanied by ‘Off To A Flyer’ much to Dave’s chagrin. He’s being disingenuous though: on the cover, in tiny print, it does say “IF the season had started in January and we know it’ll go tits up once we play Liverpool”. Credit them for honesty at least.
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