April 2006
By Steve Kelly
1st April: There’s a flood of anti-Chelsea articles now, I make that two this season. Maybe Roman isn’t keeping up with the payments. The ‘Indie’ puts the size-10 Docs into the Chav testicles today. Even they have to install their “to be fair” paragraph though. “Robben was rebuked by senior players at Chelsea in the dressing room immediately after the Liverpool game as they watched replays of the incident in disbelief”. Who are these senior players? John ‘Hospital Visit’ Terry? Frank ‘the rest of your ankle’s over there’ Lampard? Joe ‘for the wings of a dove’ Cole? Didier ‘Meadowlark’ Drogba? Eidar ‘ha ha you’ll miss the second leg now’ Gudjohnsen? (we may be here for some time – ed)
1st April: All very professional I’m sure. WEST BROM 0 L 2 had all the hallmarks of Houllier circa 2001/02. Get the game won, these aren’t a problem so we can have a blow second half etc. It’s a long way and a lot of money for one half. Cisse had one of his good days and here’s hoping Robbie has adjusted his sights now. Once again Alonso looked coolness personified with no Gerrard around. It’s something he and Rafa will have to deal with, as quite clearly the skipper isn’t going anywhere. Not till summer at any rate……
2nd April: Andy Gray has had an affair with a friend’s wife, according to the People. They miss out on a headline that anyone brought up on ‘Watch With Mother’ thought of immediately: “Randy Andy’s Coming To Play/ Tra La La La La La”. Maybe the Kop can get it going? Do you think he shouted “yooo beaooooooo- teh!” at a certain moment? As much as the slaphead gets on my nerves you’ve got to admire his response to the inquisitive hack: “I’ve nothing to say – do one”. Class.
2nd April: Greater Manchester Police do have their efficient days. A complaint was made by Bolton supporters about alleged racist remarks made by a United player to a Bolton player. “An immediate investigation was commenced, and this concluded that no offence had been committed and the matter is now closed”. Steve Finnan was unavailable for comment.
3rd April: Alan Curbishley is the latest two-face to call for action against divers. “If it was blatant and on Monday morning the player received a red card, they won’t do it again”. Good job Darren Bent dived on a Wednesday then wasn’t it?
4th April: The Mail kindly provides a managerial moaners guide, which claims Rafa is a worse loser than Ferguson, Mourinho, Wenger, Allardyce…….well actually only David O’Leary is worse than Benitez. And Paul Jewell fares little better. Anyone spot the link yet?
4th April: On the day Houllier’s Lyon go out of Europe the Express announces that Rafa has signalled the end of his signings at LFC. Every Frenchman, and Diao, is on the way out. The days of a manager favouring his countrymen at Anfield are OVER. Got that? One Frenchman is jubilant however, as Wenger takes Arsenal to the CL semi finals. Just Millwall and Coventry to go then.
5th April: It’s a conspiracy I tells yer! Moyes is really wound up about the Van Der Meyde red and is still banging on about Big Dunc’s ban after Wigan. Ironically he’s now watching other games and detailing elbowing incidents where the player wasn’t sent off. The fact that Dowd made it 11 v 10 FOR EVERTON for an hour still hasn’t sunk in yet. Make it 11 v 8 for all we care, the whole world knows that Everton will lose and all they’re really interested in is The Excuse. When you’ve got that who needs wins - or trophies?
5th April: The Echo points out that Rafa could soon get to 70 points, the second time we’ve done that in 10 seasons. They could have said 10 years to make it 3 times and give Roy Evans a break, but that’s against the law I believe. Given such a poor record in the league (add the preceding 4 seasons to make it 3 in 15) it’s amazing the number of Reds who still think we have an automatic right to win it. It’s nearly two decades since the last one. First is first and second is erm quite good actually. That doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, granted……
7th April: Ifitadanabinfer Andorra etc. Everton’s European hopes have been hit by changes to the Inter Toto Cup. There would have been an extra place if enough countries had pulled out but only Portugal did. Their place was given to a ‘country’ with a population smaller than the Ataturk’s capacity. Of course they could always try catching up with West Ham in the league, but that’ll do no good because if the Hammers get to Cardiff they get the UEFA Cup spot anyway because the other semi is Liverpool v Chelsea. See? You knew it would be our fault if you looked hard enough. Speaking of the other set of horrible blueshite, Mourinho claims he’s more scared of bird flu than United’s title challenge. Can’t see why, it’s not like anything ever takes flight at Stamford Bridge is it?
7th April: Our standards may be slipping but we’ve got a long way to fall if the letter in the Post is any guide. “We might feel aggrieved over the Collina decision but wouldn’t it be nice to think the team that wins it were the ones who knocked us out? Yours sincerely, Neil Satis”. Actually I made the last bit up; the rest, thankfully, is perfectly genuine. August 24th is now officially Collina Day when they get to blow out candles on a cake. Beware the Great Liverpool Fire of 2080.
8th April: Ifitadanabinfer ……well, us of course. Moyes is moaning about being pipped to Sissoko’s signature. “The deal was virtually done but he was tempted elsewhere”. The hate that dare not speak its name. Does this still work with Blues? Are they reading this idiocy and going “good on ya Ginge”? No wonder you have such a warped viewpoint when you read everything through your fingers.
9th April: With Rooney’s colours nailed firmly to the Scum’s mast you can rely on the ‘Mirror’ to come up with some good juice. By their account he’s got a gambling habit that makes Owen’s look prudent by comparison. Apparently Colleen has hit the roof. Someone told her the beloved’s been spending his cash on sweaty, bandy old nags again. L 1 BOLTON 0 turned out well in the end, since I can’t think of a worse opening 40 minutes this season. Rafa’s been praising and cautioning Fowler in equal measure: “maybe you could find three top class strikers who are 23 years old who can score and have pace, then you have to think”. Well good luck in finding them, but for now Robbie is putting chances away when before they were being squandered. We know he’s not quick, but Owen always found it hard when defences sat back. Fowler always did have that little extra bit of trickery that makes a difference in torpid games like this one. Gerrard’s pre-match lecture about diving sounded bizarre. After the full dying-swan routine this afternoon it sounds positively hollow. At least Mourinho won’t be bidding for him again. If I never saw Bolton again it would be too soon.
9th April: Snidey headline in the ‘People’ today: “Rafa reckons big guns can’t lure him’. If they meant ‘bigger’ then I apologise, and to be fair to Rafa the chance of winning the Champions League with one of the bigger guns must be quite tempt-……oh hang on, didn’t we win it last year? This amnesia is catc-………what were we talking about?
9th April: What is it with columnists and Everton? They fall for any old lie don’t they? Take Jim Holden in the ‘Express’: “they were within one shocking blunder of beating Villareal last August” (they weren’t) and “the blow was so painful Everton struggled for a few months”. The Defeatists Club? Nothing But The Best Excuse Will Do? One disallowed goal can screw them up indefinitely? Matt Busby was unavailable for comment.
10th April: Once a blue etc. Despite Rooney and Owen both plying their trade elsewhere it doesn’t stop Pugsley from blaming the ex-Red for his gambling debts. “Wayne is pretty pissed off with Michael for introducing him to these people”, combining the Everton ‘blame Liverpool’ creed with United’s ‘blame anyone else’ teflonic stance. Who introduced you to happy meals and grannies? He may be a kid but he plays a helluva blame game.
10th April: Cisse was good at Albion, dismal v Bolton, so that can only mean one thing: “what a pity Diouf was injured, the prospect of seeing 24m of striking ‘talent’ on opposite flanks would have been appealing and chilling in equal measure” is Basco’s petty but expected dig. Few played well in that first half but one player got dragged off and one player gets shit on from a (well, not so great) height. It’s become tedious this season, especially when Crouch and Morientes are hardly lethal (the former’s woeful header yesterday and both missing sitters v Albion being 3 of many examples). I’ll be glad when he’s sold, but not for the same reason as the Echo’s finest.
11th April: Diouf is given the all clear to face Chelsea next week, two days after Bolton played here. A feather can do real damage if one knocks you over. Speaking of overrated troublemakers, Rushie makes a case for signing Craig Bellamy in the light of current rumours. I’ll admit he’s scored some crackers recently but is Rafa prepared to sacrifice the new harmony at Melwood? Diouf came into a happy, consistent squad – after Gerard took a long look at Bowyer – and we all know what happened. Benitez is approaching the same stage of his Anfield reign. This déjà vu is getting repetitive.
11th April: Moyes is urging Sven to take ‘Mr Versatile’ Phil Neville to the World Cup. “Ask him to do any job and he will always do it to the best of his ability” – yeah but that’s the trouble, isn’t it? On his defending at corners, he drew a discreet veil. His best chance of attracting Eriksson’s attention? Breast implants. Hey, it worked for Lampard.
12th April: They must think people are stupid. Sky want Chelsea v United on Sunday at 4 pm but ‘on police advise’ they’ll have to show it on the Saturday at 12.30 “when thousands of neutrals will be on their way to other games”. Ah, the poor loves. Still, it means a bigger audience in Murdoch’s next target area: China and the Far East. That’s some consolation………
13th April: The Premier League inquiry into bungs has sent out letters to Gordon Strachan, Claudio Ranieri and erm Gerard Houllier. Tick tick tick tick tick.
13th April: It’s official: Phil Dowd is the worst referee in the league. The FA won’t punish Paul Jewell after he made the claim in the first place. Moyes immediately calls a press conference. Well done to the kids, who will now take a healthy 3-0 advantage to Man City for the second leg of the Youth Cup Final. The crowd was good but should have been better. Most of us had spent at least two hours queuing for Chelsea tickets, so faced the prospect of hanging round or going home. Interesting fact: when the ticket office gets closer to going-home time a lot more windows are opened.
14th April: In a classic example of “he would wouldn’t he?” the dolt in charge of the honours list claims Liverpool never even put Gerrard’s name forward. Lord MacLaurin says “it’s Liverpool’s fault and I’m sure Rick Parry knows exactly what to do”. If Parry had any guts he would tell his lordship what he can do. Sideways. Demento indulges in mind games by boosting Bolton (next game: Chelsea) to the point where Allardyce’s head might well explode. There are 200 council cleaners on standby just in case. Of course all of this psychology might be useful if your own team could beat Sunderland at home.
15th April: Rest in peace. 17 years and still no easier, still no justice. At least we weren’t playing today of all days.
15th April: When you see ‘New Coaching Complex’ on the front page of the Post, your first thought is “what has Moyes said now?” but apparently Everton are moving their academy out to Cronton. If a club is seeking planning permission, the Post usually finds about 50 residents who object. Or is that just when Liverpool are involved?
16th April: I’m surprised at Kenny bigging up Chelsea. I’d given up on Hansen, who now needs a torch to find his way out of Mourinho’s arse, but Dalglish too? The idea that we used to do what Chelsea do now is complete bollocks, and Kenny’s the best example of it. We turned a kid from Scunthorpe into a superstar (even if he couldn’t ride a bike), made a 470k profit on him and spent it on a Celtic striker. Things are going well at another of his old clubs but BLACKBURN 0 L 1 was fairly comfortable in the end. They can moan about the goal all they want but offside is now open to so much interpretation I’m amazed these controversies don’t happen more often. There were unkind claims that Cisse never interferes with play anyway! The ‘guilty’ party should have put the result beyond doubt but he had one of those days that confirm his detractors’ every snide comment. Never mind that he got into positions other forwards couldn’t dream about, he didn’t score and Fowler did. Bellamy was unbelievably quiet, which does make you wonder. We should start some transfer rumours about every forward we’re about to face. It’s Drogba next………on second thoughts, don’t bother.
18th April: Ah bless. Lee Carsley has been “inundated” with messages from Chelsea fans claiming he shouldn’t have been sent off on Easter Monday. One bright spark even told Moyes to use the crowd noise as evidence. “Usually the Stamford Bridge crowd is pretty sharp when calling for pens or cards – as they were for Arjen Robben. With Carsley’s tackle I don’t think they did”. Because if Robben goes down it must be a card or a pen, right? I can’t believe the Post is printing this drivel - until you check the fixture list and see who we’re playing on Saturday. And all is explained.
19th April: You have to admire the nerve. A North East hack wrote a piece for the Sunderland v Newcastle programme. The first letter of each new paragraph spelt out the phrase ‘Shearer is crap’. His explanation? “It’s a complete coincidence”! Isn’t that fantastic? There should be a long article in the Geordies’ next programme where the first word of every paragraph reads “Twelve points from thirty four games, shouldn’t you be worrying about your own rabble?” – but they’d probably all stop reading by ‘p’ and complain of headaches.
20th April: Since the national perception is of United being squeaky-clean and we’re the bitter twisted ones, I’m sure there’s some explanation why United play in front of 70,000 plus while the same ground can only hold 65,000 for the semi final. United and the FA confirmed all seats will be in use for England’s World Cup warm-up games. A week of Gerrard For Real stories ends in a description of the Madrid official responsible for the leaks as “a peripheral figure at the club”. Which didn’t stop every English paper from using him as a major source. So this stuff is compulsory even if we’re just playing at United’s ground?
21st April: Rafa calls Abramovich the ‘real’ Special One at Chelsea. Jose Mourinho says “I look at them the same as I look at another team, I have no special feeling”. So keep on playing those Miiiind Gaaameszzzzzzzzzzz……the kids just about cling to victory at Man City, giving us our first Youth Cup since 1996. Back then it was a small consolation for not winning the FA Cup final. I’ll be made up just to reach it this year.
22nd April am: Ready for one more mind game from the man who has “no special feeling” about us? Okay, here goes: “They haven’t forgotten they beat us with a ghost goal. We have forgotten already. We have forgotten”. Aye, sounds like it. A ghost goal? Is that like a ghost penalty or a ghost yellow card? I forget. Or is it just a goal that haunts you till the day you die?
22nd April pm: Does that one fucking count? Oh, how good was that? Good enough to spell out my team’s name: LIVERPOOL 2 CHELSEA 1. Although the prize was greater last year this was a better performance. We went backs to the wall once we lost the exceptional Kewell and added the frankly dozy Cisse (you don’t do yourself any favours, son) but until then we were clearly the better side. Thanks to Drogba’s awful miss and the hard work of almost every single player, we have put one over on them yet again. Because of the dosh and the platitudes of Mouth Almighty they’ve quickly reached the stage where every defeat hurts like hell. We’ve inflicted their two worst ones and boy do they hate us for it! Gerrard went into his shell a bit once again but he created an easy chance for Garcia who wellied it high. Perhaps he was scared a pea-roller might not make it over the line? When he connected second half there were no doubts. We held on despite their obligatory extra half of injury time (the new United? Better believe it) and there were some serious celebrations. Granted it was no May 2nd but what’ll ever match that except Istanbul?
22nd April later in the pm: No special feeling, eh? You wonder what he’d be like if we did get under his skin. Which we don’t, oh no. Poll, who was absolutely awful and fell for their theatrics every single time, was “70 metres away from John Terry’s 100% honest challenge” – which puts him roughly on the edge of our box when he blew! “The best team lost” – again. His team selection smacked of arrogant contempt for us, and when it blew up in his face he can’t stop moaning. Money can’t buy you love? It certainly can’t buy you class.
22nd April: Can you remember the time when Wenger was alright? He’s doing his nut about Spurs carrying on playing when Arsenal players were on the deck – having just lost out in a tackle when Spurs had a break on. After their semi with Villareal he blasted them for lying down ‘injured’ when Arsenal were counterattacking. He’s even got the nerve to bollock Martin Jol about it – not a wise move, really. Journalists keep on calling the Tottenham man by the wrong name but they still can’t get him to say “No, I’m Martin – my brother’s Cock”. It’s childish, isn’t it?
23rd April: I’m sure another team played at Old Trafford yesterday, but no. Paul McCarthy’s entire ‘analysis’ is focused on Chelsea. “Make no mistake, this was a Liverpool victory forged on Mourinho’s vanity”. It played a part and if they’re turning on the Hardly Special One that’s fine by me (is good for us, shurely? – Rafa) but we played very well and it’s a bit annoying that it’s being overlooked already. Gerrard is the PFA player of the year, so congratulations to him. I think the goals are glossing over the fact that he is nothing like as ‘involved’ as he was during Houllier’s final months, when he was everywhere AND scoring goals too. Face facts, we’d be in poorer shape without him and he’s mostly said the right things this term.
24th April: Well done to the Post, since they’re the only newspaper to notice the Hillsborough and Michael Shields banners draped over the motorways in Salford. They also mentioned the Reds ambushed by Chelsea at the tram station. Everyone else is going ballistic about graffiti and damage (already being ludicrously exaggerated as per). One TTW&R reader rang the Express to ask why the banners weren’t mentioned and was told “there’s no photographic evidence”. After a slight pause the caller asked if they’d had pictures in February of Alan Smith’s ambulance or the excrement tumbling from the upper Anny. Silence on the end of the line. PS; at half time when Liverpool are playing in the FA Cup semi final a week after the Hillsborough anniversary, maybe the Old Trafford DJ shouldn’t really be playing ‘Every Breath You Take’ by The Police. Two sides to every story? Riiiiiight. Apparently it was Parry who said “no thanks to you” when Poll wished us good luck in the final. When he sidesteps diplomacy and tells it like it is, he can be quite likeable!
25th April: Looks like we’re in for another month of Man U spite. I deplore what happened, but it’s always one way now. What happened to Alan Smith in February happened to Molby in 92 and Dalglish in 84. United fans’ sympathy was in short supply then, to put it mildly. The Riise chant is taken literally, United’s bonfire song isn’t. Now this bilge. The Mail has one paragraph with a Liverpool slant which contains the words ‘For their part’ and ‘many claim’, contrasted with the FACTS from the other side. This whole mess won’t be sorted out until the other side shows a little responsibility themselves. I think we’ll have a long wait to be honest.
25th April: Glazer has a small stroke and a few United websites urge fans to ‘throw a party’. None of which is reported in the national press. Now if they’d said “LYNCH HIM!” that would get reported………wouldn’t it?
25th April: Arsenal reach the CL final, and fair play to them. It’s a difficult thing to achieve, as we know only too well, so clearly we’re not going to diminish their success as their gimp manager diminished ours. He’s changed his tune entirely: “this completes the work of nine and a half years”. A culmination, if you will. Sounds a bit better than “it’s just a cup competition”. I know some good Arsenal lads and I’m thrilled for them, but the dark shadow of pettiness their manager threw over us last May isn’t going to be forgotten. Or forgiven.
26th April: Sad news about Brian Labone, but it’s typical of the Echo to keep citing this “one Evertonian” line of his. Some chump even did a quick spray-paint banner and hung it on some railings. It’s a good joke which plays well to the gallery (I always reply “is that how you still get 35,000 crowds then?”) but at a time when people should be remembering a marvellous servant and (by all accounts) a decent bloke there’s always a fair few bitters who can’t help themselves. They shouldn’t really be given carte blanche by the local press.
26th April am: “You have to accept he is what he is. You can tell other players to pass nice and simple but he likes to be different… …if a player tries to do different things you need to accept that it’ll be a risk”.
26th April pm: Well, getting sent off after being on for a minute is certainly ‘different’. You can’t deny that. WEST HAM 1 L 2 had been cagey until then, neither side wanting to give away any cup final secrets. Rafa can wax lyrical about little Luis all he likes, but the same ‘license’ is clearly not available to Cisse, who proved tonight he can be a lot more dangerous than any striker we currently have (even Robbie, who set him up for the second). Morientes was a bit unlucky though, and off the top of my head I can’t think of one big occasion that Djibril has risen to (even the Goodison derby was a bit of a stroll). I just believe there’s amazing potential there and it reflects poorly on any coach who can’t tap into it.
27th April: Howard Webb is a total arse. Having seen the incident properly there’s no way that can be deemed ‘violent conduct’ from either player. Garcia made a banquet out of a pat, you couldn’t even call it a slap, but that’s still not red-card material. We’d had 80 minutes of humdrum football with not one flashpoint – then two reds in a single non-incident? It stinks to high heaven. That said, maybe the Gafa won’t be so quick to talk about hospital visits the next time someone dives against us. Own, house, order.
28th April: No chance with Garcia’s appeal, this is why people hate referees. Just like Bennett with Alonso, this autocratic posturing from people who are BIT-PART PLAYERS in the game makes me sick. The poor West Ham lad did little or nothing, and given their history how many cup finals will he get the chance to play in? The people who run football have no concept of what’s right or what’s required. There’ll be no retrial for Michael Shields and he now has to pay 75k. Fat chance of getting anyone to change their story when they’ve got that amount of money coming to them. The world’s run by cunts.
28th April: Scolari has already had enough of the English press, so it looks like they’ll get their wish for an English coach. McClaren, Allardyce, Curbishley, Pearce? Noose, gun, slit wrists, overdose? Lineker snottily dismisses Big Phil with “even my granny could have won the World Cup with Brazil”. Is she available? Wouldn’t she be a distraction for Wayne, though?
28th April: Get ready for the big summer sale at the Pit. Prentice’s eulogy to Labone contains a crass hatchet job on Cahill with a less than subtle reference to “modern ‘stars’”. He’s mauled for not being at the Winslow for a tribute night. Maybe the alleged kicking he took on Saturday (or ‘altercation’ as Prentice slyly downplays it) had something to do with it? We’ve all seen this scenario before so watch this space.
29th April: John Terry a boyhood United fan? Kept that quiet didn’t he? Nice to know John’s got over last week when they “were way below par” (you would be wouldn’t you?). Today’s game? “There’s always been that bit of rivalry between the clubs” ……yerrrsss. Not sure you can call 3 years “always”, but last week you were claiming that your studs rammed up an opponent’s nose wasn’t dangerous play so I guess English isn’t your forte. They easily mop up their second (ahem) ‘triumph’ in a row, and add injury thanks to poor Wayne breaking his metawotsit. He’d almost crippled Terry in the first half and Owen was hobbling on his ‘comeback’. Must. Not. Laugh. Scolari = Mystic Phil? At Anfield all is peace and calm in comparison. L 3 ASTON VILLA 1 could have been tricky when the usual failure to finish teams off came back to haunt us, but Gerrard had one of those heroic “don’t worry I’ll save you” days. Odd: another goal from a corner that Gerrard didn’t take. It’s probably just a coincidence, if any of the ‘do no wrong’ brigade is reading this.
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